


I Wasn't Expecting You

by SuchaPrettyPoison



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Height Differences, Humor, Mental Health Issues, Sharing a Bed, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 05:46:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13334733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuchaPrettyPoison/pseuds/SuchaPrettyPoison
Summary: Rey:I think I found the man I’m either going to marry or kill.  I probably shouldn’t put into text. That makes it premeditative murder.7:03 AM, Wednesday 11/08/2017-We've all accidentally sent a text to the wrong person.  Rey just happened to do it for two weeks.What kind of person just continues to let a random person text them?  Well, she plans on finding out.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes small decisions can make the biggest impact.
> 
> This is kinda like the force skype calls...right?

“Rose, I’m going to need you to repeat that back to me.  Slowly.  Like you’re talking to a child with a limited grasp on language.  Because what I heard couldn’t possibly be what you said.”

 

Rey was going to self-combust.  She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks and a nauseous churning had taken permeant residence in her stomach.  This could not be happening.

 

“I had to get a new number.  Remember: I lost my phone some point during the casino Halloween party.”  Rose spoke in a slow calming tone, as Rey was certain she looked like some sort of crazed animal.

 

“Yes, but I figured your number would stay the same.” 

 

“Nope.  They deactivated it and gave me a new one.  I told you and I wrote it on our kitchen whiteboard, so you wouldn’t forget.” 

 

No. No. No.

 

“When did you tell me?”  But her mind was already filling in the gaps.  She’d been working on a painting to elevate some stress of her course load, and when she was painting she wasn’t the most aware of her surroundings.  How could this have happened?

 

“Rose, you are my tech support, is there any way to recall like two weeks of texts?”

 

-0-

 

 _Rey:_  
_Is it me?  It must be me.  Do I stink or something?  As my housemate it is your responsibility to tell me if I had an overly pungent odor. I am a one date wonder and then they ghost.  But this one was worse – he left in the middle of the date.  Just got up, said he needed to use the restroom, and NEVER CAME BACK.  All I did was explain to him why he was wrong when he told me how he rebuilt his engine himself.  He didn’t.  I know this because, well, it’s my field of study, but after that he became all grumpy and then ghosted me on my date.  The silver lining is that our server felt pity for me, and I didn’t have to pay.  Who would have ever thought I would be thankful for someone’s pity.  Let’s just trying to build robots that will help us take over the world.  That seems like a better use of our time._  
_9:14 PM, Friday 11/03/2017_

 

-0-

 

_Rey:_

_Extra payday has come early!  I missed my calling, I should roam around the country scavenging and upselling…sold that old junkyard desk.  We will eat like queens.  And by that I mean I have gotten us each our everyone large pizza and smuggled whiskey.  I swear the drinking age in this country is all wrong._

_4:23 PM, Monday 11/06/2017_

 

-0-

 

_Rey:_

_I think I found the man I’m either going to marry or kill._

_7:02 AM, Wednesday 11/08/2017_

_Rey:_

_I probably shouldn’t put into text. That makes it premeditative murder._

_7:03 AM, Wednesday 11/08/2017_

_Rey:_

_Arrogant arsehat.  It’s too early and I need a coffee._

_7:03 AM, Wednesday 11/08/2017_

 

-0-

 

_Rey:_

_My uterus is punishing me for not being pregnant._

_3:54 PM, Friday 11/10/2017_

_Rey:_

_You think it would be throwing me a party, but instead it’s like its torturing me for not having sex.  Do you think it’s like an ancient god and needs me to have sacrifices to keep it happy?  Because at this point I would do it.  I’m like a walking crime scene as it is._

_3:56 PM, Friday 11/10/2017_

 

-0-

 

_Rey:_

_I can’t get the grease stains from under my nails and I’m finding paint in my hair still.  I am a walking human disaster.  This is why I can’t go out and meet people.  I have you, Finn, and Poe, I think I’ve hit my friend quota._

_2:41 PM, Sunday 11/12/2017_

-0-

_Rey:_

_I don’t think I’m meant for college._

_3:31 AM, Monday 11/13/2017_

_Rey:_

_I’m not meant to be confined to a room for hours on end._

_3:31 AM, Monday 11/13/2017_

_Rey:_

_This is draining and pointless.  I rather be doing than just learning about theories in a book._

_3:32 AM, Monday 11/13/2017_

_Rey:_

_What if I’ve chosen the wrong major?  I moved across an ocean to start over, but what if I’ve just mucked my life up worse._

_3:32 AM, Monday 11/13/2017_

_Rey:_

_I shouldn’t be allowed caffeine before bed, it makes me have weird dreams._

_3:33 AM, Monday 11/13/2017_

-0-

_Rey:_

_Our shower is only giving us cold water.  I’m about to start a damn rebellion to get this thing fixed._

_1:49 PM, Tuesday 11/14/2017_

-0-

 

_Rey:_

_I swear Rose, I will be fine for Thanksgiving.  I know you were worried last night, but I’m British, Thanksgiving really isn’t something we celebrate and the break will give me time to relax.  No more giving trying to get me to come home with you for the holidays.  I enjoy being on my own._

_11:27 AM, Wednesday, 11/15/2017_

 

-0-

 

Her thumb hovered over the contact that once had Rose’s name attached to it. Rose had never been the best with applying to text messages, and most of the text Rey had sent weren’t ones that she would have expected Rose to respond to. 

 

Should she send an apology text?  I mean, shouldn’t the new person have told her that she was texting the wrong person?   
Yes, this error, though partially on her, was on the other person as well.

 

She had sent a text about her period.  
Maker, kill her now.

 

Clicking the contact, she brought up her string of messages, and clicked to type a new message.

 

_Rey:_

_You could have told me that you weren’t Rose._

_11:36 PM, Wednesday 11/15/2017_

She brought her left thumb up to her mouth and bit down as she stared at the screen.  This person needed to respond. She need closure.

 

_Not Rose:_

_You could have stopped texting a person who never responded._

_11:39 PM, Wednesday 11/15/2017_

Bloody arse-hat.  With more force than was necessary, she keyed out the response.

 

_Rey:_

_Are you turning this back on me?  Really?  Did you enjoy reading about my period?_

_Not Rose:_

_You think highly of yourself that I would actually read your texts._

_Rey:_

_I think you enjoyed it._

  
  
Rey:

_That someone was taking time out their day to text you, even if it was fake.  That telling me you weren’t Rose, meant that the text would stop, and you couldn’t bare not hearing from me._

_Not Rose:_

_You’re just a girl who doesn’t even know what she wants with her life.  Trying to make others believe she enjoys being on her own._

_Rey:_

_And what about you?_

_Rey:_

_You seem to enjoy pushing people away._

_Rey:_

_Or is abrasive just your default personality setting?_

_Not Rose:_

_You’re too defensive._

_Rey:_

_That happens when you’re dealing with a troll hiding behind anonymity._

 

Her phone rang moments after the text and her pulse kicked up as ‘Not Rose’ lit up her screen.  There was only the barest moment of hesitation, before she answered the call with a snarl as she came to her feet.

“You’re such a royal arse.”  She was ready for a battle.

 

“Firing shots before even saying hello.” 

 

The deep voice that answered her was a calm and low one. And honestly, that fanned her anger even more.  She had said things to him that weren’t meant for anyone than someone close to her, and that caused her such embarrassment that this stranger knew things about her, and she knew nothing about him.  He had read the text, he hadn’t outright said that he hadn’t, and then referred to her being alone, which he would only know if he had read her messages.

 

This was a mess. 

 

“Doesn’t make you any less of an arse if I’d started the conversation with a hello.”

 

There was a beat of silence and she found herself holding her breath waiting to hear what he would say. 

 

“True.  I am an ass.”  That gave her pause, she hadn’t expected him to agree with her, “But there is a phone etiquette.  Manners, if you will.”

 

“You mean like telling a person, that they aren’t speaking to who they thought they were?” Rey bit back.

 

“You gave the information voluntarily.”  The detached collected voice that answered caused her hackles to rise.  It was so practiced, as if he’d had been waiting for this conversation, waiting for the day she would discover and confront him.

Who was this man? - And he was a man if the deep notes of his quiet voice were anything to go by.  
A man who let a girl text him for nearly two weeks without saying a word and then agreed with her assessment that he was an arse so readily.

 

“Yes.  But to someone else.  What you did was an invasion of privacy.”

 

“I can see why you would feel that way.”  He spoke the words carefully.

 

Again – Who was this man?

 

“This is when you should apologize.” Rey said, and she was pleased that she kept the exasperation in her tone to a minimum, though a sigh did escape her lips.

 

“Would that make you feel better?”  He sounded genuinely interested.  Did he not understand that all she wanted was an apology from him and nothing else?  A simple ‘I’m sorry’ from the start and they would have avoided this conversation in its entirety.

 

“It’s proper etiquette.  Manners, if you will.”  She echoed back his earlier words as she lowered herself to sit on the edge of her mattress.

 

She heard the barest of chuckles on the other line of the phone - as though he was trying to suppress the noise. And she fought her own smile.

 

“I am sorry.”

 

“Thank you.”  The words came out slow.  She hadn’t expected him actually apologize, nor had she expected the way his voice would caress and heat her blood.  The heat caused by the earlier anger shifting to a different form of heat.  She fidgeted, shifting her weight on the bed in the moments of silence that followed her words. “Well.  I, um, should get to bed.  Goodnight.”

 

Pulling the phone away, she heard a hushed ‘Goodnight’ on the other end before disconnecting the call.  Flopping back on her bed the sound of her heart beating loudly in her ears.  Who was that man?

 

-0-

_Rey:_

_Why did you have to get a new number?_

_10:24 AM, Thursday 11/16/2017_

_Rey:_

_Oh, I should probably say hello first.  You are a stickler for etiquette._

_Rey:_

_Hello._

_Rey:_

_Why did you have to get a new number?_

_Not Rose:_

_Hello.  Why do you care?_

_Rey:_

_Curious._

_Rey:_

_Besides you know some personal information about me.  All I know is that you can be an arse, you have a man voice, and you’re abrasive.  None of which paints a good picture of you, but I’m sure my text didn’t shed the best light on me._

_Not Rose:_

_I needed a break from my personal number.  This one is for business._

_Rey:_

_Well, that’s a very adult reason._

_Not Rose:_

_I’ve had to be an adult for some time._

_Rey:_

_Not by choice?_

_Rey:_

_I understand that._

_Not Rose:_

_About becoming an adult when you’re still a kid?_

_Rey:_

_There are times that I don’t even recall being a kid._

_Not Rose:_

_You didn’t deserve that._

_Rey:_

_Thank you_

_Not Rose:_

_I hope you have a good day not that your curiosity has been sated._

_Rey:_

_You too._

_Rey:_

_I’m Rey by the way._

_Not Rose:_

_Ben._

 

-0-

 

The buzzing noise would not stop.   
Rey fumbled in the dark to answer the phone without even glancing at the display screen. It was too late or too early for someone to be calling her.  She had all of three people who would contact her, and seeing that Rose actually lived with her, that number then dropped to two.

 

“This is a really inconvenient time.”  The sleep made her voice husky and her accent thicker. 

 

“Hello Rey.  You could’ve ignored the call.”  Ben’s voice caught her by surprise.  It had been over a week since they last spoken, although she’d opened up the chat to reach out to him more times than she’d care to admit.

 

There was something about the faceless man on the other side of the phone that drew her.  It made no sense.  
Letting out a puff of breath she curled on her side to find a more comfortable position as she spoke, “That’s not the right thing to do.  You could be in a ditch somewhere and I’m the person you reach out to, to save your life.  If you’re life’s not in imminent peril, you should go to bed and we can talk in the morning.”

 

“I can’t sleep.”  There was a bite to his words and cut through Rey, she knew those kinds of demons.  They still had a tendency to come out and play on the odd night, even though she tried to bury them deep. 

 

“So.  So - you called me?”  Had she been his first choice?  Or was she near the end of a list of people who hadn’t answered his calls?   
Rey bit back the questions and focused on him.  On the way his breath sounded somewhat ragged as he responded, “So I called you.  Rey, I feel like I’m being torn apart.”

 

Her gut clenched, “Are you sick?”

 

She was already pushing herself out of bed and making her way to throw on an outfit to go to his aid – even if she didn’t know exactly where that was – before he the chance to answer.  “Where are you?  Do you need me to take you to the hospital?  Ben if this is –“

 

“I’m not sick in that way.”  He cut her off with soft words.  The chuckle that followed held such self-loathing that it nearly broke her heart.

 

Demons.  They all had them.  Some people’s demons played too close to the surface.  Maybe her demons could help his demons, even if just for a night. 

Collapsing back into bed she pulled her knees up to her chest.

 

“The holidays can be the worse.”  She paused looking for the right words.  “Some people don’t get that.  I mean I understand why people love them.  I do.  It’s supposed to be this happy time of families coming together, of spending time with friends.  And I have friends.  But they all went home for the holidays, all of them from out of state or at least a two-hour drive, which to an English girl is an extensive trip.  And they always try to get me to go with them.  But it’s easier to deal with the holidays on my own.  It’s hard to explain.” 

 

She brought her thumb up to her mouth, biting down on it in the silent moments that followed.  Rey had never told anyone about the holidays, but it had been easier than she had expected.  Maybe it was because he was just a voice on the other end of the line.   
It was strangely intimate.

 

“I’m a disappointment.  My family doesn’t understand, doesn’t get how something that is so easy and natural to them is difficult for me.  I’m nearly thirty and revert back to a ten-year-old whenever I’m in their company.  As you said, I am abrasive.  I am worse when I’m around my family.  They are a trigger.  I feel trapped.  I want to be who they think I can be and I want to lash out because I’ll never be that man.  A fucking disappointment.” 

 

His voice had broke several times and had become hoarse.  She didn’t know his background, didn’t know much about him, but she knew him.   
A lost soul, made up of broken parts, trying to make it through this world.

 

Several minutes passed between them.  The darkness made her more reckless than she’d be in the light.  And she had a reckless spirit to begin with.

 

“Ben?”  He gave a hum to signal he was still on the line.  The words spilled from her lips before she had a chance to bite it back.  “Why did you call me?”

 

The question was a loaded one.  She curled in on herself, while pushing her face into a pillow, wishing that the bed would swallow her whole.

 

“Because I had hoped you’d understand.” He spoke in a soft tone, “You’re not alone Rey.”

 

“Neither are you Ben.”

 

-0-

 

“Rey.  Rey! Are you even listening to me?”

 

Finn’s voice caused Rey to look up from her phone.  She’d been responding to a text that Ben had sent her.  Ever since that night over the Thanksgiving break, they had been in more routine contact.  Checking in on each other to see how the other’s day was going, offering to lend an ear when needed, just causal interactions. 

But her heart did tend to pick up pace whenever her phone blinked that a new text was received or when the phone rang at night.

 

He was always the one who tended to call.  At the end of the day, right as she was getting into bed, he seemed to have a knack for it.  The conversations were never long, but it had become part of their routine.   
And Rey hadn’t mentioned him to her friends.

 

Because opening a conversation with the guy who I texted for two weeks without realizing it wasn’t Rose, who then was a complete an utter arse on the phone, is now a kind-of-friend probably wouldn’t go over too well.

Finn was over protective.  Had been from the moment they met.  And Rose would worry.  And Poe rush headlong into why this was a bad idea.

 

Ben was messy, an arse, complicated.  And he was hers for the time being.  Till he left.

 

“No.  Sorry.  What are you complaining about?”  Rey put down her phone and gave Finn her undivided attention.

 

“Not a what.  A who.  The TA I have for my poli-sci class.  He normally just lurks around in the background like a black raincloud, and everyone gives him a wide berth, but today he had to teach.  He got into a verbal sparring match with one of the students.  When he stepped up to the class it was like he was gearing for a fight and that we were beneath him.” 

 

“Who is this guy?”  Rey asked, her brow wrinkling as she tried to recall the name of the TA. 

 

Finn was quick to respond, he was always quick with his words, “Kylo Ren.  Tall guy always dressed in black and looks like he’s never been happy a day in his life.  Fucking pretentious ass.”

 

Finn had complained about him before.  There were few people who could ruffle Finn, but Kylo had been able to do so from day one.  Apparently he’d belittled a girl in one of his first classes of the semester and caused her to run out crying.  He was harsh and volatile to those who challenged him, or at least, so she had heard.

 

Rey was just happy that none of her course load would cause them to cross paths.

 

-0-

 

 

She could do this.  She could do this.  
She had even applied some make-up for this event.  All she needed to do was to press the video call button instead of the normal call button.  If the video call button appeared, that meant that his phone should have that capability as well. Right?

 

She just wanted to put a face to the name and to the voice and to the person who she’d been talking to for going on two months.  That was a normal desire.  Right?

  
The winter break was already several days in, and she was being bombarded with texts from her friends trying to get her to come to each of their families for the holidays.  Rey knew they meant well.  It was coming from a place of love.  But Rose was back home with her sister, and Poe and Finn were planning on splitting the holidays between both of their families.  She’d just be the one tagging along.  And she didn’t want to be an afterthought.

 

The phone rang while she was still trying to work up the nerve and she nearly dropped the phone.  Ben’s name flashing on the screen as she quickly fumbled to collect herself as she answered the call.

 

“Hey Ben.”  She said on a breathy exhale.  Her heart picking up speed.

 

“I did something stupid.  So fucking stupid.”  He all but growled, the hostility radiated through the phone.  Ben sounded lost and broken.  “I’m an ass just like you said.  A fucking disaster, just like everyone thinks.  And I couldn’t do it. Rey, I tried.  I did, I tried so hard to make them proud even when I don’t fucking care.”

 

“Ben.”  She spoke softly, he was on the edge.  He’d rarely been this way with her.  No, he tended to speak in low tones, calm and collect.  Ben sounded like he was unravelling. “Ben.  What happened?”

 

His heavy breathing followed her question.

 

“I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend.” 

 

She clearly hadn’t heard him correctly.  Or this was all some sort of huge prank.  Because he could not be asking this of her.

 

“Can we do this through video chat?” 

 

A moment later her screen lit up, and her heart somehow made its way up to her throat as she pulled the phone away and saw Ben for the first time.

 

He was handsome.   
More so than she had imagined, but in a way that most probably didn’t see it at first.  He was fair with dark eyes and thick dark hair.  His nose was on the large side and his lips seemed too soft for his face.  He had a long scar cutting through his right eye and his cheek, which drew her in even more.  He looked like he was from a distant time.

 

“Hi.”  Rey said, her mouth turning dry, watching as his eyes flitted across the screen taking in her features. 

 

“Hello.”  His own voice was shaky, and Rey want to reach out to him, offer him a hand to pull him back from the ledge.  Rey watched as a multitude of emotions danced across his face, the man was an open book, then he pulled his lips in a firm line.

 

“Would you pretend to be my girlfriend?  Please?” 

 

The please trembled from his lips and his eyes tore her in two.    
Vulnerable.  He looked vulnerable.

 

She could do this.  Both of them were broken.  Neither of them were alone. “Okay.”

 

What the hell did she think she was doing?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, on the heels of my airport story, this came into my brain and needed to be put down (which is pretty much how my writing works). I won't lie, I'm going for all the tropes people. All the tropes. Leave a kudo or comment and let me know what you think - I might get to respond while flying across an ocean (which is pretty cool in my book).
> 
> I'm enjoying playing with these characters in different AU's.  
> Also, my father has given me a ton of old Star Wars novels he has collected over the years, and I'm going to dive so far into all this.  
> But I need to wait for the novelization of TLJ - an I am not a patient person.
> 
> Fun personal note: I am currently on an airplane heading home! What a world we live in, where I get free wifi on planes.  
> My fiance is ready for me to be home and I (as always) have weird mixed feeling about leaving the states. If you got sucked here from me in the Arrowverse, I swear I promise to add to a story or two over yonder.  
> I will write more this year!
> 
>  
> 
> Come be my friend: [SuchaPrettyPoison](http://www.suchaprettypoison.tumblr.com/)  
> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Please turn around so I can change.” Rey gave him, what she hoped was, a throwaway smile and tried to gain control over her heartbeat. Ben wouldn’t be interested in a girl like her.  
> They were friends.  
> This was all pretend.
> 
> -
> 
> Time to meet the parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just how many cliches/tropes can one story get away with?
> 
> A lot.

He should have told her that he wasn’t the person she thought she was texting. 

After that first text, he should have sent a simple ‘You have the wrong number’ and that would have been the end of that. 

But he hadn’t been able to bring himself to do it. 

 

The girl was bright and lively all while seeming so alone.  It was intriguing.  Spoke to the darkness that roared inside of him.

She spent two weeks texting a person who never responded, like she just needed to reach out to someone.  He wanted to be there for her as long as he could, had dreaded the day that she would find out, and was disgusted with himself for it all.     
This wasn’t something a normal person should do.

He wasn’t normal.   


But the time came and, although she was rightfully angry, she hadn’t closed the door. 

Rey had texted him the next day, then had answered that pathetic late night call he’d made to her.   
She had open the door unknowingly to a monster and he wasn’t strong enough to shut it.   
No.  Instead he found comfort in her voice and felt more alive when they communicated than he remembered feeling in years. 

 

Rey wasn’t for him though.  She was too young and he was too broken.  But the moment he was put in a difficult place, he reached to her and she had taken his hand.

 

The door of the café chimed and Ben’s gaze caught on a slim woman walking in.  He couldn’t believe they were doing this.   
They were barely even friends in normal terms and he had asked her in a panic to be his pretend girlfriend before they even knew what the other looked like.  Rey of course had the sense to ask to see him before agreeing to his insane request, but nothing would have prepared him for seeing her in the flesh.

 

The woman was too beautiful.  No one would believe that this smart, bright, stunning girl would go for the likes of him – he knew what people saw when they looked at him, could feel the constant judgements.  Everyone would see through the façade. 

 

Her hazel eyes had locked on to him the moment she entered, and a small smile pulled at his lips.  Ben’s heart stuttered even as he adopted a mask of calm, and stood as she made her way over to him.

He could do this.

He could not fuck this up.

 

-0-

 

How could one man be so damn attractive and slightly intimidating at the same time?  The intimidating thing had to come from his sheer size; Rey was on the tall side, but he made her feel small.  He was a good several inches over six foot, with broad shoulders, and he was clad in all black – a dark fallen prince from a fairytale.  That’s what he looked like.  And here she was in clothing she’d manage to scavenge from local thrift shops and sale racks.

No one would believe that she’d caught the eye of someone like him. 

She was Rey from nowhere and most of her life she felt like a nobody.

 

“You’re tall.”  Was the brilliant first thing to come out of her mouth.  His mouth twitched as though he wanted to smile and his eyes warmed a fraction from their intense gaze.  She had never seen him smile, but she had seen him loose his temper.

Wait, no she hadn’t.   
Why had that thought come to her brain?

 

And then it hit her. “You’re him.”

 

“Excuse me.” His brow furrowed together as she took the seat across from him before he sat down.   There a half drank latte in front of him, a napkin that had been torn into tiny pieces, and a small notebook that was opened to a page filled in elegant writing.

 

Of course he would have nice penmanship - Rey’s had writing resembled a child’s on a good day. 

 

“The man I was either going to kill or marry.  Holy shite.”   Her hand went up to her mouth as she tried to smother her laugh.  Why in the hell was she telling him this? “You were such an arse that morning.”

 

“You’ll discover I’m an ass most mornings.  And we’ve already agreed that I’m an ass.  I’m certain that it’s common knowledge at this point, I don’t try to hide it.”

 

“Or do you hide behind being an arse?”  That earned her a glare and she couldn’t help but smile.  He could be as intimidating as he’d like, but she was in his head.  “Alright Ben.  What’s the plan?  I assume, knowing you, you have it all worked out.”

 

“You’re not going to ask me why?”

 

“You’re my friend and you asked for help.  If you want to tell me why that’s up to you – the why doesn’t make a big deal of difference at the end of the day.  But we should figure out the logistics, so we have a solid story.  Where did we meet?  How long have we been together?  The basics that people seem to get caught up on.”

 

He pushed the notebook over to her, “I’ve taken the liberty to write most of it down.  Can I get you anything while you read over it?”

 

“A sticky bun and black coffee please.”  Rey went to pull out her wallet to give him cash for her order but he was already gone from the table.   
She could do this.

She would not mess this up.

 

-0-

 

He must have thought that she looked like a child.  She was ten years younger than him.  Well almost ten.  He was turning thirty in three days, and then he would have ten years on her.  But still, he had to know of hear age, she could have sworn that there had been a text about the drinking age in the states.  Then she had showed up in torn up jeans and an oversized coat with the little makeup that she felt comfortable applying.

 

They had stayed in the café for another two hours after he had returned with her food and coffee (and waved away her attempts to pay him for them). The plan was simple, she would spend the last of the winter break with his family, and celebrate his birthday and the New Year with the giant party that his mother had decided to throw.  Rey could sense the conflict in him when it came to his family, and didn’t push him on the matter.  She knew who he was the son of, and fought to keep her expression neutral when she read the names on the page.   
He must have been burdened with heavy expectations from the moment he came into this world.

Everyone would expect great things from Ben Solo – and he must have felt the need to meet all expectations.  But to her he was just Ben.

  
Ben who she was going to have to share a room with.   
Ben who would show signs of affection towards her in front of other.  
Ben who she might have to kiss if the situation called for it and only if she was comfortable – any physical signs where ones she’d have complete control over.  
They had been dating for nearly three months.  He was finishing a PhD in comparative politics and wasn’t nearly as detached from the world as he’d have other believe.  Still, in the two hours, she hadn’t gotten him to smile.   
It was now a personal goal. 

She’d get him to smile.

 

Ben was on his way to pick her up.  
They were heading to his parent’s house that night, and she didn’t exactly know what she should wear when meeting the parents of a fake boyfriend.

Hell, she didn’t know what to wear when meeting the parents of a real boyfriend.

 

She could do this.

 

She was on her fifth outfit when the knock came at the door and she rushed out to answer it, “Is this okay?  Do I look alright?  I’m not sure what to wear.”  Ben looked taken aback by being met with questions, but then the calm mask slipped back into place.

Rey kind of hated that mask.

His eyes flicked down her form.

 

“You look fine.”

 

“Just fine?  Alright, I’ll change, just give me like five minutes.”  She made to turn and run back to her room, but he caught her wrist. 

 

The heat of his hand seared through the thin material of the long sleeve, and she felt her pulse quicken.  He hadn’t touched her at the café.  Hadn’t given her a hug goodbye or even a hand shake, but now his large hand was wrapped around her thin wrist and she felt the world shift slightly beneath her feet.  Ben gave a light tug and she took a step toward him, watching as the calm mask slip and his jaw tick.  His Adam’s apple bobbed as he released her, and she immediately missed his heat.

 

“We need to get going if we’re going to make dinner.”

 

“I’ll get my bag.  You’re sure this looks okay?”  She gestured at herself with slightly awkward hand motions. 

She was realizing that her wardrobe contained light neutral tones which contrasted with her fake boyfriend’s polished dark one.  The turtleneck he wore looked expensive and was paired with jeans, boots, and a structured coat (all of which were black).  Rey on the other hand was in taupe jeans and a cream sweater which she was pretty sure was from the 1960’s, and her lone pair for brown winter boots.

 

Maker, she was nervous.

 

He gave a nod of his head.  Rey grabbed her bag and then they were off.

 

-0-

 

“You don’t listen to the radio when you drive?”  It had been almost a half hour of silence and Rey thought she was going to go mad.  She was use to almost near constant motion and sound, this stillness was causing her anxiety to bubble.

She was going to have to turn on the radio.

It was going to need to be done.

 

“I prefer the silence it gives me time to think.”  Ben said in that cool somewhat detached tone.

 

“You don’t think the silence is suffocating?  I need noise otherwise it’s like I’m stuck in a large empty void with no one to hear me scream.” 

 

Ben’s eyes flicked to her for a moment before landing back on the road, his hands gripping the steering wheel till his pale knuckles turned white, “I need to get my mind right.  Noise will just distract me.”

 

A beat passed before she decided to press on.  They had another hour and a half or so left in the drive and the noise would calm her. 

Not that she was regretting coming with him. 

But she was worried that his parents wouldn’t approve of her (even though he’d told her several times that they would love her).  Rey couldn’t imagine what it would be like if it was real.

 

“Compromise would be turning it to a classical station on a low volume.  Studies have shown that classical music helps brain functions.  So then it’s a win win for both.  Compromise is the name of the dating game.  Or so I’m told.  Don’t have nearly enough experience to comment on the matter.  But you know that.  Have you had luck in the dating game?  I mean when you look like – “

 

The radio turned on.  He actually had turned on the radio, and it wasn’t even to a classical station. “Find something you like, just keep the volume low please.”

 

Rey smiled sweetly at him, though he probably didn’t notice as all his focus was on the road.

 

“Thank you Ben.”

 

He gave her a low hum in response that cause her blood to heat.

She just needed to make sure she didn’t get sucked into believing their own lie.  Ben was just a friend who needed some help.  
Rey was acting as knight in shining armor for the dark prince.

 

-0-

 

Holy shite.  Holy royal shite.

Bloody hell.

Fucknugget.

 

These people would never think that Ben had chosen her as his girlfriend.  They would spend the entire time she was there, trying to figure out what she had to keep him around, because she was so out of her element.

For a moment she thought about running.

Running seemed like a good idea.

This was way too much.

 

She thought she had been prepared.

She was wrong.

Very. Very wrong.

 

“I’m just going to go get my bag from the car.”  Rey mumbled to Ben, but before she could turn away and run, his hand was on the small of her back and his heat coursed through her.

This was the second time he touched her – if he were to touch her bare skin she was pretty certain he’d leave burn marks in his wake.  
How could a man’s touch be so hot?  Was it even scientifically possible?

 

“I have your bag Rey.”  He leaned down to whisper in her ear as his parents came forward from the large house that had its own personal security gate, “Don’t be afraid, I feel it too.”

 

“Get out of my head.”  She snarled at him, but he just gave her a hint of a chuckle and the ghost of a smile, the tension that coursed through him lessened for a moment before it wound to a tight coil.  Rey could feel the tension as the couple came out to meet them.

The woman was smaller than Rey had expected her to be.  Leia Organa was a force to be reckoned with politically, she was technically a princess as she had been adopted by a royal family (whose country was now no longer) at a young age.  When Leia was in her early twenties it came out that she had a long lost twin brother, Luke Skywalker, who was at the time an up and coming political journalist.   Now he was world renowned in his profession, even after stepping out of the spot light years ago.

Rey had seen Leia on TV several times and she always had such a large presence, people were drawn to her.

Rey immediately wanted to make the woman proud.

What that must have been like for Ben.  His mother had to be constantly busy, everyone always wanted a bit of her time to spend a moment in her light.  Then he had an uncle who was regarded as a legend, and then there was his father. 

Han Solo.

 

He was tall, but still several inches shorter then Ben, and smiled easily, part of his profession was based on his ability to charm people.  Han had gone on a mission after Leia had been kidnapped, and in the end they had both saved each other. Luke had been the one to break the story, and take down a corrupt empire with it.  Han wasn’t a spy but, at the same time he had been a government asset for many years.

 

This was Ben’s family.

They were all legends.

And Rey was nothing compared to legends.

 

They were greeting Ben.  His mother was glowing while his father had knowing smirk as his eyes flicked from her to him.  Ben’s hand was still resting on the small of her back.

 

Then the attention moved to her. Too quickly.  She wasn’t expecting to be acknowledged so soon.

 

“You must be Rey.  I’m Leia and this is Han, Ben mentioned you would be coming.  Let’s get you both inside and out of the cold.”

 

She could do this.

For Ben, she could do this.

 

-0-

 

_Ben:_

_If she offers to show you family picture – you decline._

_7:59 PM, Friday 12/29/2017_

_Rey:_

_If I am offered to see any pictures of young you, I am jumping at that chance._

_7:59 PM, Friday 12/29/2017_

_Rey:_

_Do you think they like me?_

_8:00 PM, Friday 12/29/2017_

_Rey:_

_I mean, do you think we’re together?_

_8:00 PM, Friday 12/29/2017_

_Rey:_

_You are in another room – your mother whisked me away.  Is that what is normally done?_

_8:00 PM, Friday 12/29/2017_

_Rey:_

_Do you think that she’s going to interrogate me?_

_8:01 PM, Friday 12/29/2017_

_Ben:_

_I think she’s just excited and wants to get to know you._

_8:01 PM, Friday 12/29/2017_

_Rey:_

_Are you with your father?_

_8:13 PM, Friday 12/29/2017_

_Ben:_

_I’m in our room._

_8:13 PM, Friday 12/29/2017_

_Rey:_

_You are getting alone time while I’m having to play fifty questions?_

_8:21 PM, Friday 12/29/2017_

_Rey:_

_Get your arse down here._

_8:21 PM, Friday 12/29/2017_

_Rey:_

_This is not proper boyfriend behaviour Ben!_

_8:22 PM, Friday 12/29/2017_

_Rey:_

_Your mother is bringing me the photo albums.  Your move._

_8:23 PM, Friday 12/29/2017_

 

-0-

 

Ben was standing behind her as Rey sat on a stool at the bar, a book filled of pictures of a young Ben looking back at her.  A steaming up of herbal tea was beside the album and Leia was glowing as she pointed at pictures giving little stories to accompany them.  Han was leaning against the bar with a cup of coffee looking like a contented man. 

 

“Mother, I think Rey has seen enough.”  Both Rey and Leia gave him a look, which had him clenching his jaw.

 

Rey didn’t have this.   
No one had cared enough to take pictures of her or take the time to make an album of them.  She ran a finger over a picture of a scowling Ben who had to be about six clutching a shaggy dog that was nearly double his size.

 

“We had to go away for a weekend, and Ben refused to leave Wookie.  Threw a fit that we couldn’t take him.  He wasn’t even ours, belonged to Han’s business partner Chewie, but no one could get Ben to let go of that dog.  Thick as thieves those two.”  Han and come to look at the picture, his arm coming around his wife’s waist, in such a natural movement that it was intimate.

 

“I’ve always wanted a dog; never had the chance.  One day though.”  Rey gave Leia a quick smile before looking over her shoulder to Ben. 

His muscles were taunt and a muscle jumped along his jaw, his hand gripped the bar as he looked like he was lost in his own mind – Rey reach out and placed her hand lightly on his, and his gaze came back into focus and landed on where her hand was resting on his.

 

First time skin to skin.  First time she initiated contact. 

Her heart sped up and the heat low in her abdomen flared to life. 

 

He swallowed and closed his eyes - taking in a deep breath.  Rey shifted her gaze back to the album and reclined till she felt his solid chest against her back, his free hand came to her waist as added support. 

 

Simple touches. 

First touches. 

His thumb lightly swept the dip of her waist.

His hands were large on her small frame.

 

She was on fire.

 

 

“Do you want a dog?”  Rey asked as she turned breaking their hold and the magic that came from his touch, placing a hand on his chest and she looked up into his intense dark eyes.

 

“Someday.”

 

Now that sounded oddly like a promise.

 

She needed to get away before she got caught up.

She could easily get caught up in Ben Solo if she wasn’t careful.

 

-0-

 

“My parents like you.”  It was a terse statement. 

 

He had been terse most of the evening, but that had done little to dampen his parent’s moods.  They just seemed happy to have him around. Even though he had barely spoken ten words at dinner and had been fairly detached while they looked through the old album.

Though they had called it a night before they had reached the awkward pre-teen and teenage years.  Rey had loved seeing little been with his thick dark hair and large ears more at peace in his youth than she’d ever seen as an adult.  There was always an underlying tension to him. 

 

But he had stayed by her side through it and his mother had whispered a thanks in her ear as she hugged her to go to bed.

 

“They seem like they’ve missed you?”  It was both a question and a statement.

 

Ben fixed her with a glare.  Rey arched an eyebrow.

 

“I’ve been gone for a while and realized it was time to try.  Thanksgiving was a step back.  I couldn’t deal with Christmas.  But I couldn’t.  I couldn’t say no, when my mother came to me and asked me to come home for my birthday.  But I couldn’t do it on my own.  I want to kill the past sometimes.  Sometimes it feels like that’s the only way to go forward.”  He had turned to his bag and was pulling out clothing while he spoke.  His words weren’t directed at Rey, more like he just needed to get them off his chest.  “They think you’re the cause of this.  Of me trying.”

 

“But that’s all you.  That’s your strength.  I’m just here for moral support, and to call out your arse-like behaviour at times.  I can’t believe that you left me alone with your mother with in the first two hours of us being here.”

 

“She wanted to get to know you.”

 

“You don’t leave a man behind Ben!”  Rey snapped as she pulled out a large dove grey hoodie and a pair of leggings to change into for sleep.

 

“She likes you.”  Ben said in a warm soft tone.  Rey blushed.

 

That wasn’t the point, but at the same time it was.  Rey had passed muster with Leia, which meant that she was good in Han’s eyes and probably everyone else, because it appeared that Leia’s word was law.

 

“Please turn around so I can change.”  Rey gave him, what she hoped was, a throwaway smile and tried to gain control over her heartbeat.  Ben wouldn’t be interested in a girl like her.   
They were friends.   
This was all pretend.

 

However, in the silence that filled the room as he turned around, and all that could be heard was the rustling of clothing being removed, the tension was thick.

Everything was heightened, she swore she could hear his breathing, could hear the sound of his zipper lowering in tandem with her own.  The sound of his feet hitting the floor as he stepped out of his jeans, his sweater coming off, ruffling his gorgeous hair.

 

Both in the same room.  Undressing.  Redressing.  She was aware of everything.  It was innocent and erotic and she was a disaster.

 

Quickly getting changed, she called out to him when it was safe for him to turn around. 

Was it her, or were his eyes darker than they had been minutes before?

 

“I’ll take the floor.”  He said.  His words rough.

 

“But the bed is more than big enough.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bed this big.”

 

His intense gaze pinned her, and she made her body relax.  They were adults.  Nothing would happen.  The bed was three times the size of hers back home.

 

“You sure?”

 

He was giving her an out.  He was always giving her an out.

 

“Come on Ben.  It’s late, I’m tired.  Get in bed and let’s get some sleep.”  Rey climbed in on the side she was nearest, and continued to talk, to ease the tension, “Your mother offered for you to teach me fencing tomorrow.  Who even learns to fence these days?  Especially in America.  It sounds rather posh, I could teach you how to fight if you’d like, I have a mean right hook.  Also, your father said he’d take us flying.” 

 

Rey let the words fill the room as Ben got into bed at the other end and stopped talking only when he decided to respond.

 

“We’ll figure it out in the morning Rey.”

 

Maker, she hoped so.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The jet-lag is real. So so real.  
> But besides that look I managed to put out another chapter!!!! Thank you all so flipping much. Like I never expected this kind of response. Thank you thank you thank you.  
> Hugs to all!
> 
> Also, I realized I forgot to make this a multichapter fic - that's what you get when your more excited about posting something while on a plane.  
> That is the plan for this. I plan more chapters. I need them to have a HEA!  
> I am working in bits from the movies into this AU
> 
> I will respond to everyone who has taken the time to comment, because legit, you all are the real MVPs!
> 
> Oh, and I am trying to write Rey with the 'English' spelling of things, but I'm American and I might forget (it's not natural for me, like driving on the wrong side of the car. I tried that shit, it's not for me, I am meant for public transport while living across the pond).
> 
> Alright. I hope this chapter meets the expectations that the first chapter set up!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pulling out her phone, Rey was half way through a long winded text when the door to the room opened and a sweaty Ben came in.  
> A sweaty shirtless Ben.  
> Ben was shirtless.  
> She was on a bed.  
> He was sweaty.  
> He was massive. Wide and well defined but not overly muscular.  
> Her brain short-circuited for a moment.  
> Shite, she was staring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should do a moodboard...

Ben had laid awake for hours, listening to the soft breathing of the girl who laid not an arm length away from him.  His anxiety was clawing at his chest.

This was a fucking idiotic plan.

They were going to be found out.

He was going to come apart at the seams and show them all the void of darkness that fed on his every thought and action.  No one would want him then.  Want someone who was so damaged when the world wouldn’t see need of it.

Everyone would judge poor little Ben Solo whose parents never did know what to do with him, who tried to be there for him (even put their lives on hold at times), only to come out feeling more alone than what he started.

He hated people.  Hated the social interactions and the pressing weight that came with them.  Hated the weight of being from the great Skywalker line.  He had grown up constantly surround by a sea of people and all he ever wanted to do was scream and lock himself away. 

He felt awkward and out of place, always questioning every word or action.

 

Fuck, it was his own personal hell on that days that he had to teach.  Those days were few and far between, as his professor knew he wasn’t the best when it came to public speaking.

He could lecture just fine, knew his material like the back of his hand, but the moment a student had a question, he couldn’t handle it.  Knowing that he was thrown off his projected course, that he was forced to say something that he hadn’t spent hours practicing in the mirror.  He lashed out to hide his panic and in return every one of the students in the class hated him.

All he wanted was to be alone in a room doing research and writing papers.

It’s all he was good for.

 

In the end he would disappoint everyone.

Fucking useless.

 

Then he had to reach out to Rey.    
Had to drag her into his drama like a child who needed to clutch favorite toy.  It was selfish to use her kind nature to his advantage.  But he didn’t care.  Ben found he cared about very little when listening to the soft noises she made in her sleep.  She looked like a delicate thing like this and so young when he couldn’t see the fire in her eyes.  He’d do right by her.  Try for her.

She had come, even though she hated holidays, for him.

 

Maker, when she had reached out and touched his hand, he had felt like he was going to explode.  He was nearly thirty, a girl touching his hand shouldn’t cause him to instantly harden and think of how her calloused finger would feel gripping him.  Moving up and down sensitive flesh while her bright hazel eyes fixed on his before moving in to place a chaste yet biting kiss on his lips.  More than anything, he wanted her to come apart under his touch.  To find pleasure in what he could give her.

Ben wanted to bring Rey to the brink and watch as pleasure and wonder filled her eyes – to know that he could bring some good into her life.

 

The thoughts had only intensified as he had to hear her undress.  It was torture to know that the woman who he craved was naked in the same room as him, and yet nothing would be done about it.  Their friendship, if it could even be called that, had been one through texts and calls.  And it wasn’t like he was the most attractive man that she could find, she could do better. 

Rey was, Rey was gorgeous, stunning, and she had a fire a spark that was the most captivating thing to him.

 

He would do right by her.

He would try harder.

He could make it through without causing a scene.

 

Looking down at his phone, he saw the display of 5:13 am.  It was late enough in the morning he could go for a run.  He needed to try and get rid of the anxiety before it crippled him and Rey saw just how weak he really was.

He would run until he had some control of the roaring anxiety.

Then he’d come back and face the day.

 

-0-

 

If this had been a movie, Rey would have woken up to find that in the middle of the night Ben had come to pull her in close and that she was enveloped by his heat.  But this wasn’t a movie.  And by the time her alarm went off, Ben was gone and his side of the bed was cold to the touch.

Insomnia.

She’d forgotten how he had mentioned his issues with sleep.  While she faced her own demons in the dark, she could always fall asleep and consistently slept through the night – even if she had to fight off some nightmares along the way.

 

Now the question of the morning was what did she do?

Did she as Ben’s girlfriend go to find him or did she wait patiently for him to come back to the room?

 

They needed to regroup.  She needed to know more of what he needed from her, because he was coiled so tight she was expecting him to snap at any moment. 

They needed to loosen him up, find a way to elevate some of the tension.  She knew how he could be – how he was when it was just the two of them. Granted it had all been over a phone, but still she knew that he could be charming and sweet with a sarcastic wit when he let go.  He was endlessly curious and brilliant.  Yes, he had his own demons, but so did she.

And she dealt with them differently.

 

He needed to get out of his own head.  She needed to stop doubting herself.

She was awesome.  Ben was lucky to have her as his fake girlfriend.  She was going to get him out of the house and loosen him up; maybe if she was lucky she’d even get a smile from him.

Yes, Rey had talk about fencing and going flying with his dad, but she had something different in mind.

Now if only she had an idea where he was.

 

Pulling out her phone, Rey was half way through a long winded text when the door to the room opened and a sweaty Ben came in.

A sweaty shirtless Ben.

Ben was shirtless.

She was on a bed.

He was sweaty.

He was massive.  Wide and well defined but not overly muscular.

Her brain short-circuited for a moment.

Shite, she was staring. 

 

To be fair, he was staring too and had become immobile in the doorway.   They were both adults who seem to have reverted back to pre-teens.

 

Rey hit ‘send’ on the half composed text and watched in slight horror as Ben’s large hand went to the pocket of his tracksuit trousers and pulled out his phone.

Well crap.

This was past the point of awkward.

 

“Where are you taking me?”  His voice was low and rough and it was too early in the morning to hear it and keep a straight head.  That added to the fact that he was still shirtless.

She could feel the heat rising up the back of her neck.

 

“Could you please put on a shirt?”

 

That earned her a barely there smile and he finally entered the room, letting the door close behind him with a soft ‘snit.’

 

“I didn’t expect you to be up, I would have brought you a coffee or something.”

 

He still made no move to cover up but instead walked closer to where she sat on his bed, and she cocked her head at him, becoming comfortable with his state of undress and the ease in which he was, but in no way cocky.

 

“Early bird gets the worm and all that.  How long have you been up?”

 

“A while,” was his vague response, as he walked up to the edge of the bed holding up his phone so she could see her words bright on the screen, “You’re taking me out?”

 

“Yeah.  I am.  Thought you could use a bit of fun.”

 

-0-

  
This was her happy place. 

 

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”  The edge in Ben’s voice was a clear indication that he was nervous, Rey was learning to read his little quirks quite well.  He wasn’t good with not being in control, it made him more anxious than it would for others.

 

“When I need to forget about everything, this is what I do.  Requires all of my attention and doesn’t leave room for me to think about anything other than what I’m doing at the moment.”

 

“It’s an obstacle course.”

 

“A ninja-course and they have a rock wall.  Have you climbed a rock wall?  That is freedom.  The one by my apartment, only has a couple of things, this place though.  This is like Disney.”  She looked around the open gym filled with obstacles that tested the upper-body along with the mind.  You had to always be thinking how to accomplish the task at hand, even as your muscles tired, and although you had to think ahead, you couldn’t forget the first task you had to complete.

It reminded Rey to live in the moment, to look towards the future, but to focus most her energy on the here and now.

She felt his heavy gaze on her, and tore her eyes from what was going to be such a fun course, to meet his. 

 

“You actually enjoy this.”

 

“Yeah.”  She gave him a bright smile. “Now, come on!”  Taking his hand (ignoring the heat that she was coming to expect from his touch) she pulled him to what could be seen as the start of the course.

 

It was a damn good course. 

Rey’s muscles were burning with the over an hours long exertion – she was sweaty and exhilarated, smiling brightly as Ben was currently trying the Salmon ladder for the sixth time.  The look of sheer determination on his face was one she would remember forever as he hung from a bar, before bringing his arms up to an L shape and propelling him and the bar up another rung.  He made it and she gave a cheer.

Maker, she could get use to watching this. 

 

Ben caught on quicker than she would have thought, but his height and weight was a hindrance on a few of the obstacles, but the man was stubborn.  He didn’t give up and fell down more times than Rey cared to count, which she was sure would result in several nasty bruises.  But she had seen him almost smile a few when completing an obstacle and in her book that made this day a success.

 

Ben made it up another two rungs before missing and falling down to the mat below.  Coming to his side she watched him as he pushed himself up to a sitting position, enjoying how his face took on a carefree expression for a moment – his eye bright, face flushed, a slight up lift on the corners of his lips, his hair falling across his face.  Coming to stand in front of him, she extended her hand.

 

“You made it look easier than it is.”  Ben said as he took her outstretched hand.

 

“You’re not so bad.” Giving a tug, she helped pull Ben to his feet.  It brought him dangerously close to her, she had to tilt her head back to keep her eyes on his, even as he bent his neck down to keep her gaze.  She could feel the heat radiating off his body and fought the urge to close the several inches separating them.  “Do you fancy having a go at the rock wall?”  Her voice came out soft and low as she continued to hold his hand.

 

She’d been eyeing it since they had entered the gym, she wanted to show off, but she also didn’t want to push him too far passed his comfort zone.

 

 “I’ll watch.”  Ben murmured the words, his intense gaze scorching.

 

Was it just her or had the heat been turned up? 

 

She gave a smile that she hoped hid the heat turning in her stomach, she turned and pulled him over to the far wall.  Rey was becoming accustomed to leading him, to having his hand in hers.  She needed to remember that this wasn’t permanent; he wasn’t hers in that way.    
They were friends.

Rey loved her friends, would do anything for them.

They were friends.

 

Letting go of his hand, she made her way over to the wall and put herself in position and let her mind focus completely on the rock wall in front of her.  She needed to get Ben out of her mind.  This was only the second day of them being around each other, before that there had just been a month of texting and talking on the phone.  Missing a step, she had to quickly shift her weight as she looked for a new foothold.  Calm, she needed to stay calm.

But she could almost feel Ben’s anxiety at her error, could feel as he moved along with her as though he would catch her if she fell.  It was odd.  She’d spent so much time alone, was used to being alone even when with friends, that is was odd to have someone whose focus was solely on her.

 

Ben made her feel exposed and connected at times.  Had before she even knew his face.  That wasn’t normal, was it?    
Making it to the end, she threw a smile to him over her shoulder before coming down a several steps and making a light dismount.

 

“Impressive.”

 

She gave him a bright smile before fitting her hand in his again.

 

“I was afraid of heights growing up.”  Was her response.  He gave her a quizzical look, and she hurried to explain as they made their way out of the gym.  “Heights are a scary thing to most people, and when I was little, I fell down a flight of stairs.  Broke my arm.  Took me an age to feel comfortable going up or down the stairs.  I threw fits when the family I was with tried to force me to go up them, even psychically lashed out.  Pretty certain I bit someone at one point.  But as time went on the stairs weren’t an issue, but height still was.  Then I moved over here, to a new country, by myself, where I knew no one and it was so much coming at me at once.  I was overwhelmed, felt like my life was spiraling, like I had no control. So, I needed to do something to take control.  Figured conquering my fear of heights would give me the feeling of controlling something in my life.  Fast forward two years and now look at me.” 

 

They had stopped outside by his car during her brief monologue and she watched as his eyes both softened and hardened, catching the meaning behind her story. 

They weren’t so different.  They weren’t so alike.

 

“Let’s go Rey.”

 

-0-

_Rey:_

_I made a mistake._

_3:29 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Rey:_

_A huge mistake._

_3:29 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Rey:_

_Help me Ben, you’re my only hope._

_3:29 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Ben:_

_This should be good._

_3:31 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Rey:_

_I forgot the towels you gave me._

_3:31 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Ben:_

_Okay._

_3:31 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Rey:_

_You need to bring me said towels, but in a gentlemanly way, but also in a way that doesn’t arisen suspicion that we’re not use to seeing one another in our birthday suits._

_3:32 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Rey:_

_Here’s what I’m thinking.  You knock.  I unlock. You open and close your eyes while saying something sweet like and put towels down on the ground along with an extra one so I can clean up the puddles that I will make.  Then you retreat._

_3:33 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Rey:_

_You didn’t even read my plan._

_3:37 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Ben:_

_Did I or did I not get you your towels?_

_3:37 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Rey:_

_Well yeah._

_3:37 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Ben:_

_Then I saved the day._

_3:38 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Ben:_

_My mother has informed me that we are going out for dinner.  She would like to know what’s your favorite kind of food._

_3:43 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Rey:_

_This couldn’t wait until I’m dressed?_

_3:45 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Ben:_

_Pretty sure this is something I should know.  I know you hate bananas and love salt n’ vinegar chips and aren’t all that picky when it comes to everything else._

_3:49 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Ben:_

_Should I go with fish and chips or is that too stereotypical?_

_3:52 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Rey:_

_Hold your horses man.  I’ll be down in a moment._

_3:53 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Rey:_

_BTW, what’s your favorite kind food?_

_3:54 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Ben:_

_Pizza._

_4:01 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

_Rey:_

_Respect._

_4:01 PM, Saturday 12/30/2017_

 

-0-

 

Dinner had actually gone alright.  Yes, Rey had done most of the talking, but Ben didn’t look like he was going to combust into a million pieces due to tension, so that was a step in the right direction.

 

“You know dear, Ben never told us how you two met.”

 

“She texted me on accident.”  He’d answered for her, actually involving himself in the conversation instead of having to be pulled in.  This was a subject he was clearly comfortable with, which was odd.  But Rey was happy to see him attempting to engage.

 

“Did so for about a week before realizing that I wasn’t the person she thought she was texting.  She demanded an apology from me.”  A small smile played at his lips.

 

“I deserved one.”  Rey attempted a mock affronted look.  The whole thing seemed like a lifetime ago, instead of not even two months. “And then we just kept texting and calling.  Met up one day for coffee.”

 

“And now here we are.”  Ben’s voice was low and in control.  It was almost as good as his low and curious voice.  Rey had decided that she was a fan of both.

 

Dinner had pretty much progressed from there.  Ben trying to participate in conversation, even though Rey could see the strain that it caused him.  He said the wrong thing once, was too brash when answering his mother about his PhD work.  But whereas his mother waived off the comment she had watched Ben close in around himself. His nails dug into his palm as he balled them into fists under the table, and the darkness rolled off of him.  Rey had reached out and pulled his hand into her lap, rubbing small circles into his heated flesh till he pulled himself out from the dark.

She couldn’t save him from whatever was going on with him, he had to do that himself.  But she could let him know that he wasn’t alone.

 

Now they were ready for bed; Rey was actively working to try and suppress the yawns that wanted to come out as she curled to face him on her side of the large mattress.  His clean masculine smell surrounding her as she snuggled deep into the blankets and let out a small sigh of contentment.

 

They had undressed again in silence with their backs turned to one another.  Rey’s heart had thundered in her chest and she was certain that he had to have heard it; Ben had to know that she was attracted to him.  Hell, she figured most would be attracted to him as he easily fit the stereotype of tall, dark, and handsome.  But he was so much more, so much stronger than he gave himself credit for, and on those occasions when it was just him free for a moment, Rey swore she would do anything to keep the light in his eyes.

He had to know, had to see her blush, or the way her eyes kept traveling to his lips when he spoke.  She had liked him before she saw him, had felt like she had found another soul like her, but she hadn’t been expecting to form a crush on him.

 

Ben was on his back, fingers laced together on his chest, looking up toward the ceiling.  He seemed more at ease than last night and she fought the urge to reach out to him.  That would be far to intimate.

She would respect the boundaries he put up.

 

“You going to be able to sleep at all tonight?”

 

He turned to meet her gaze, “Should do.  I took a pill.”

 

“Okay.  If you get up early again and leave, could you let me know?”  It was a stupid request that came out before she had a chance to stop it.  Always the reminder that she was left behind.

 

There was a pause and his intense eyes roamed over her face in the dark, as he turned his body to mirror hers.  Each of them on their sides to face the other.

 

“If you wish.”  His lips barely moved over the words, and Rey’s eyes closed on their own accord to savor the way they caused heat to flow through her. 

 

“Good.”  She couldn’t bring herself to open her eyes.  He had a habit of being able to read her all too well, and she didn’t want to make him aware of her thoughts at the moment.

 

What would he do if she closed the distance between them?

If she were to press her body along his and brush her lips along his jaw?

He had to be more experienced than her given his age, maybe he’d think that she was just a silly inexperienced girl who was caught up in their game of make believe.

But what if he wasn’t?

Would he welcome a kiss?  Would his large hand pull her in close and skim over her body?

 

“Rey?”

 

She gave a soft hum to let him know that she was listening, pulling her mind away from questions that she didn’t need answered.

 

“Thank you for doing all this.”  The words sounded like he had rehearsed them, practiced them, words that he wasn’t use to saying.  They pulled a smile from her.  He was cute and he was trying, she found herself moving just a fraction closer to him before opening her eyes.

 

“I’m glad I could be here for you Ben.” 

 

She hoped tomorrow morning it would be like a movie where she woke up to him wrapped around her, Rey hadn’t expected that he would wake to find her wrapped around him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter I had planned to be up earlier, but adulting got in the way (also another story popped into my head and I needed to write it, you all should go check it out. I think it's pretty good).  
> That sounds like an excuse and it totally is.  
> For those of you that don't know (which I'm gonna assume is all unless you are over from Swooner and have read my long winded ANs) I moved across the ocean this pass summer, am recently engaged, and now we are house hunting (on top of the wedding planning which I should be doing, but just keep putting it off because wedding planning is stressful). Life has been happening super fast and I'm just trying to juggle it all, but it's good, I'm not letting my anxiety get the better of me. 
> 
> Now this chapter. Oh this chapter. I wanted a bit of calm, a bit of growing together, a bit of heat (like just a dash), and well, the next one the calm will be gone probably cause this ball needs to get rolling! Shit's gonna get real.  
> I use exercise to help control my anxiety and PMDD, it's helped a lot so that's why it's been thrown into this story. I am trying to make Ben's darkness something that people can relate to in this modern setting. There will be no Snoke in this story, unless you count Snoke as Ben's social anxiety and depression.  
> Also, as you can see, I'm not trying to have Rey save Ben, or think that she can save him. He has to do that himself, she will be there to help, but it all has to be on him - I think that's super important.
> 
> If you want to be my friend, hit me up:  
> tumblr: [SuchaPrettyPoison](http://www.suchaprettypoison.tumblr.com/)  
> BT-dubs, this chapter was written while I drank homemade café con leche, ate American peanut butter from the jar, and had my 'space warmer' turned up to full blast so that my hands wouldn't be turned to ice.   
> Oh! And I also just bought my ticket to visit my parents this summer. Yeah, Florida is hell in the summer, but I'm ready to do my bulk American food shopping - a girl needs her cheerios!
> 
> Anywho -- hope y'all enjoy the chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey:  
> So help me Ben Solo, when I get my hands on you I am going to kick your arse. Every time you sit down you will think of me.  
> 5:15 PM, Sunday 12/31/2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to bunk up the rating, we all knew it coming!

Warm breath fanned across the crook of his neck, followed by a little moan and Rey’s lithe body pressing more firmly against him.   
Her lips were parted.   
Ben knew this because he could feel them every time she exhaled a breath.  He could feel her nose skimming the delicated flesh under his jaw, the heavyy weight of her leg riding low across his hip, the rise and fall of her chest, the heat of her core searing into his hip, her hand resting low on his abdomen pressing against heated flesh where his shirt had ridden up in sleep.   
Ben could feel everything that was Rey, as he laid tense and motionless in the bed. 

He was barely breathing, even as the panic that welled in his chest cause his brain to scream that he needed to take in more oxygen.  But he couldn’t have her wake.

She couldn’t wake and feel his desire agaisnt her leg – hard and throbbing and desperate.

She couldn’t wake to see him barely holding on to control.  He needed to get control back.

What would she think if she woke to find him like this?  It was a natural bodily function. 

But he could imagine he cheeks flushing red, her dipping her gaze to not meet his eyes, and the friendship he had come to crave crumpling around him.

He would lash out.  Say all the cruel things that were always on the tip on his tongue when he felt the anxiety rip through his chest and tear at his mind, leaving deep gashes that never truly healed.

Ben had spent his life second guessing and over analyzing every movement he made, there was always the haunting voice that told him everything he was doing was wrong.  The people smiling at him were actually thinking what a stupid pathetic child he was.  That everyone wore a mask.  They all thought he was a disappointment.  They could never say it.  But he knew they all thought it – the dark corners of his mind told him so constantly.  His fight or flight was always active when force to interact, and his instict was hardwired to fight.  He’d gotten that trait from his parents, neither knowing when it was time to back down from a fight.

The anxiety kept him tense ready to lash out, always gearing for a fight, and then the dark hollowness that followed tore at his soul.  He wanted to be left alone, to sperate himself from the ones he loved who he knew would be hurt by the darkenss that consumed him.  He knew that his actions could be seen as unreasonable, but at those times he was trapped in a cage, and fighting to free himself.

His experience with realtionships was minimal at best.  His experience with sex was the same.  He couldn’t get out of his own head, could see all his imperfection and knew that the other person would find him lacking just as much as he found himself so.  It was difficult to stay hard when all you wanted to do was get the fuck away even when there was a need pulsating at the base of his skull.

He felt safe with Rey. 

She was too open for her own good, but he needed that.  Trusted her to tell him exactly what she thought of him.  She knew he had monsters but never walked on eggshells around him.  He had been prepared to bite off her head, when she took him to the obsticle course, and had been in a dark mood for a portion of it.  But the burn of the workout, her cheering him on, and seeing her bounce back up to her feet again and again had subtly changed his mood.

The voice was stilll there.   
Still telling him that he wasn’t good enough.  That everyone was watching and ridiculing him.  That everyone of his actions was wrong and they all knew it.  But, it had quieted once the burn in his muscles took over.  Him having to decided which move to make next had taken up most of his mental processing.  It was a welcomed relief.

Then for Rey to tell him more about her past.  A past that she rarely spoke about.  It had to mean that she felt safe with him as well.  All Ben knew was that he want to be there for her, in any way she needed him.  He couldn’t promise that he would be anything better than what he was now, but he would give her the galaxy if she asked.

Rey gave a soft sigh and burried her face more fully in to the crook of his neck.  He fisted the sheets in both hands to prevent him from reaching out and touching her.  This wasn’t conset to touch her.  If he touched her he wanted her eyes on him; she was an open book and he would need to know if she enjoyed his touch.

Her body rubbed along his side causing his blood to boil with desire – he wanted her.  He wanted her on top of him.  Taking her own pleasure from him.  He thought of having her under him, but anxiety clamped hard at his throat at the thought, he didn’t know what she would like, didn’t know if he could hit the spots she needed.  But he wanted all of her, wanted to taste her on his tongue, and feel her juices on his fingers, wanted to watch her come undone, wanted her to call out his name. 

Fuck.

He was out of his league.  Over his head. 

The anxiety was stirring high in his chest, clamping at his lungs as he tried to steady his breathing and his pulse. 

 

He didn’t deserve her.  If he showed her all his ugly and broken parts would she stay? 

Letting out a shaky breath, he worked his jaw, and waited until unmoving till he felt her begin to rouse.  Her relax body slowly tensing, becoming still, and an intake of breath.

Would he take the cowards way out and feign sleep or would he have the streangth to meet her gaze full on?

 

-0-

 

He didn’t want to wake her.  That had been his excuse. 

It was a shite excuse.

She half wanted to strangle him.

 

She had woken up fully wrapped around the man like a blood sucking parasite, and he had just laid there – awake – and hadn’t woken her up for god knows how long.  Nope, he just had opted to lay there all hot and awkwardly.

 

Maker, this morning was going haunt both her dreams and nightmares.

 

It was like she was throwing herself at him in her sleep.   
Could he possibly know how long she’d felt alone?

And how with him she never felt like she had to put on an act or a brave front? 

He took her as she was.  And now she was accosting him in his sleep. 

 

Shite, waking up, half laying on top of him, seeing his warm brown eyes, his barely there smirk, and lordy-lord, feeling him agaisnt her leg.  He was lucky that she hadn’t lost her mind all together and tried to kiss him.  She’d half thought that it was a dream, but no.  It was reality.

She had to try and play it cool while detaching herself in the most like it was no big thing.  Which, she kind of managed, except she knew she was blushing and apologizing for having invaded his personal space – and then she had all but fallen out of bed.

 

The morning kept replaying in her mind.  She couldn’t look at him without thinking about how he had felt half beneath her.  She had felt him.  Knew now of his impressive length. Which was no surprise - he had massive hands.  Maker, she needed to pull herself together.

She was better than this.

She could handle this.

 

She didn’t know if Ben could handle his mother though.  Ben was caving into himself the more his mother spoke about the party tonight; a hard flint entering his eyes and there was a clench in his jaw that was looking like he was nearing a dangerzone.   Han had disappeared to maker knows where, and Leia was focused on going over the details for the party like a general making war plans.

Ben was going to lash out.  She could feel the tension pulsating through his blood. Could feel his conflict - his desire to make his mother happy while at the same time hating everything thing about the party.

 

“You know, it’ll be nice to have the son I brag about to be around.  I know this isn’t easy for you but I am so proud of you.”  Leia said is such a soft heart breaking voice that Rey felt like she was intruding on an inimate moment.  Ben’s knuckles turned white with the foreociety he was clutching his hand, and Rey moved her hand over to cover his; hiding the evidence.  “Both your father and I are.  Making your own way, excelling in your field.  I promise I will try to make this as painless as posible.”

 

“I can’t promise I’ll stay long.”  Ben’s voice was laced with a hard edge and Rey knew he was fighting against being a complete ass.

 

Leia’s smile was radiatant, albeit slightly tentative.  “It doesn’t mater.  All I wanted is for you to be happy. We thought we were doing the best thing for you.  You know.  We didn’t realize.” 

 

Ben swallowed.   
Uncomfortable. He was about to come out of his skin.  With his mother’s loving gaze on him, he was coming undone.

 

“Didn’t realize?”  Ben gave a harsh laugh.  “I fucking told you.  Told you and dad both.  He told me it was all in my head.  You told me that everyone feels anxious sometimes.  That I was just going to have to work through it.  It was all in my head.  Just work though it.  Stop being over dramatic.”

 

Rey really felt out of place.  This was all too much.  Ben was all but shaking.  Loosing the control he liked to keep tightly coiled.  He didn’t even look like the same person.  His face was contorted with rage.  An ugly sneer was pulling at his beautiful lips.  His normally warm brown eyes cut to her had still a top his, and then met her gaze; his eyes were cold and flinty.  She nearly flinched, but held his gaze and gave his hand a squeeze. She was here for him.

 

He snatched his hand back as he pushed his way away from the table and left without a second word.  Rey watched him leave, her heart constrciting at the pain he was feeling.  A stuttered breath cause Rey to snap her focus to Leia.  The older woman’s eyes were bright with tears and she looked remarkably old and frail.

 

“We thought he was just shy.  That if we continued to push him, he’d grow out of it.  But it just got worse and we lost him.  Didn’t listen to him.  He needed our help and we failed him.”

 

The silence that filled the moments after was deafening and Rey twisted her hands trying to find the right words.

 

“Ben loves you.  He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t, but his brain lies to him sometimes.  We all have our own demons, his are just stronger than most – but that makes him stronger than most.”

 

-0-

_Rey:_

_Where did you go?_

_1:59 PM, Sunday 12/31/2017_

_Rey:_

_Ben?_

_2:17 PM, Sunday 12/31/2017_

_Rey:_

_Ben?_

_3:02 PM, Sunday 12/31/2017_

_Rey:_

_I swear.  If you are laying in a ditch somewher I will be so upset with you._

_3:23 PM, Sunday 12/31/2017_

_Rey:_

_It’s been hours, please come back._

_4:39 PM, Sunday 12/31/2017_

_Rey:_

_I have called you like ten times. I am reaching stalker level.  LET ME KNOW YOU ARE OKAY!_

_4:46 PM, Sunday 12/31/2017_

_Rey:_

_YOU FUCKING CALLED A ME A CAB TO TAKE ME HOME?!?!_

_5:13 PM, Sunday 12/31/2017_

_Rey:_

_YOU CAN CALL A CAB BUT YOU CAN’T CALL ME?!?!_

_5:13 PM, Sunday 12/31/2017_

_Rey:_

_So help me Ben Solo, when I get my hands on you I am going to kick your arse.  Every time you sit down you will think of me._

_5:15 PM, Sunday 12/31/2017_

_Rey:_

_I’m going to get ready for this party.  You will miss seeing me in a dress if you don’t show up._

_5:47 PM, Sunday 12/31/2017_

_Rey:_

_You told me I wasn’t alone once_

_7:28 PM, Sunday 12/31/2017_

_Rey:_

_Well I feel damn alone right now.  At this party surroud by people._

_7:28 PM, Sunday 12/31/2017_

 

-0-

 

Rey was staring at her phone.  She had been doing so for hours.  It was rude, several people had tried to loop her into converstaions, but she couldn’t pretend like she was okay.  Not when Ben was Maker knows where.   This isn’t where she wanted to be.  She had no desire to be with all these people, she felt like an outsider looking in, and she just wanted to spend the evening painting.  Something to get her mind to stop buzzing.

 

She slipped out unnoticed, making her way back up to Ben’s room.  Rey had assumed that it would be empty.

She was wrong.

 

Ben sat on the edge of his bed in a polished back outfit, his skin pale, his knuckles raw abd bruising, and his eyes rimmed red and downcasted.

 

“Ben.”  It was more of a breath than an actual spoken word, but it caused him to look up.

 

“I tired to go.”  His voice was broken and all the anger she had been holding on to disappeared.

 

Walking in and firmly shutting the door behind her, she made her way over to where he sat, stopping only when she was standing before him – toe to toe.  She wanted to reach out to him, but she didn’t.

 

“I see that.  You look nice.”

 

He gave a noise of recognition but still didn’t look up.  “Ben?”  His eyes slowly rose to meet hers.

 

“You look lovely Rey.  I shouldn’t have asked for you to come.  You should have taken the cab home.”

 

“We will circle about to the cab thing, because you do not just get to send someone to take me away.  But I came here because I wanted to.  I wanted to spend time with you.  This was my choice.”    

 

In the silence that followed Ben reached out and took her hand, giving the barest of nods, he pushed and pulled his lips in and out. 

 

“Let’s just get out of here.  Just let the past die.  Let’s just go.  Somewhere.  Anywhere that’s not here.”

 

“Ben.”

 

He brought her hand that he held to his chest and looked up at her with pleading eyes.

 

“No, Rey.  Please.  Let’s just go.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a shorter chapter. But a important one (or at least I think so).
> 
> I am pulling from my own experience with with PMDD, where my parents had a hard time understanding that there were points where I was being held prisoner by my own mind. They thought that I was just being over dramatic until my anxiety and depression manifested physically and then they realized that it wasn't just all in my head as they had told me for years.  
> Mental health is something that is so important and I want to do justice for Ben's character. 
> 
> Now, if you read my Soup story, you might recall in my ANs I went on about being tempted to buy a 2' Chewie plushie. My lovely fiance actually ended up getting it for me as an early Valentine's gift - so much better than flowers!
> 
> See how big it is here (note that I am 5'8" for reference):  
> tumblr: [Giant Plushie](http://suchaprettypoison.tumblr.com/post/170734195189/early-valentines-gift-i-am-so-happyhe-talks)  
> Come be my friend:  
> tumblr: [SuchaPrettyPoison](http://www.suchaprettypoison.tumblr.com/)  
> OH! If you are a fan of Swooner (Olicity) I am writing a new one-shot for that verse, I have most of the dialogue written, now I need to go add details - cause that's weirdly how I write for Swooner, none of my other stories, just Swooner.
> 
> Hope everyone the best!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His demons had won a battle and it caused hers to rise up and play with her brain. Of course he wouldn’t want her. He wouldn’t stay. No one ever stayed. She was constantly left behind.  
> If he had texted her to let her know where he was going, that he was coming back, that he was sorry, she wouldn’t be ready to come out of her skin. But he hadn’t. He had left her.   
> Everyone always left her.
> 
> She couldn’t take it anymore.

Ben didn’t know what he had expected.  He expected some push back.  He had expected her to try and cox him out to the party, to tell him that she’d be by his side so it would all be okay.  He expected her to be angry, because she was well within her rights to be angry with him.  But he hadn’t been expecting Rey to immediately respond with ‘Well, I’ll need to change.  Do you have a sweater or something I can borrow?” 

 

He had told her that she looked lovely when he had been able to focus on what she was wearing for the party, but he hadn’t expected her to look breath-taking when he turned around to see her wearing his old washed out-grey Sherpa hoodie.  It dwarfed her light athletic frame and she had to roll up the cuffs on the sleeves several times to have use of her hands – she should have looked ridiculous, but she didn’t.

 

Her only request had been that he text his parents to let them know that they were leaving - he hadn’t expected his parents to anticipate his desire to leave. 

Ben’s car was blocked in, the feeling of being trapped caused his anxiety to ratchet up, and he quickly shifted to make his way where he knew there would vehicles that they could access.  Han Solo wasn’t anal about much, but he always made sure that his garage was kept out of the line of fire.  He felt like he was trespassing walking into the dark garage, but after flicking on the light he was met with a surprise.  A note had been left on his father’s prized vintage Ford Falcon, written in his father’s scratchy handwriting, ‘In case you need a getaway car.  She has a full tank of gas.  Keys are in the visor.”  And then his mother’s formal script below it, “We love you.  Happy Birthday.”

 

The note had shaken in his hands.  He didn’t know what to do.  Nothing about the night was going the way he thought it would.  He wasn’t in control.

 

“Can I drive?” Rey’s excited voice had pulled his attention from the note.  She knew.  He could tell by her eyes that she knew he was close to losing it, that he was in no position to drive, and was giving him an easy out.

 

That’s how he found himself sitting next to Rey, watching her hand as she seamlessly shifted to a higher gear as they entered the highway, low music came filling the car from the modification his father had added.  The tension that filled the car was completely his own doing, or was he imagining it?  He should say something.  He needed to apologize for leaving.  He needed to apologize for everything.  How?  What were the right words?

He had been having practice conversation after practice conversation in his head, of all the ways to apologize to Rey and of all the ways to make his mother understand.  None of them were right.

He couldn’t find the right words.

He’d mess it up even worse.

It was better if he said nothing at all.  If he kept it all quiet.

 

“Any idea where you want go?  It’s your birthday after all.”

 

“No.”  He said in soft tone that belied his anxiety that wanted him to snap.  What if he asked her to take them to a nice restaurant?  Or a hotel?  He just wanted to sleep for a week, but he didn’t want her to think he was trying to take advantage of her kindness.

 

“Okay.  I have an idea.” She bit her bottom lip as she changed lanes heading toward an exit.  He didn’t know where she was going, or if she even knew where she was going.  He needed to tell her that he was sorry – she was upset with him.  Ben really didn’t want her to be upset with him.  “Can you go to my music, select the ‘Let Go’ playlist?”

 

He looked at her in puzzlement, but she just nodded toward her phone, her eyes never leaving the road as she took the slip road to exit the highway. 

 

“The pin is 1004.”

 

She just gave him her pin.  He had been a complete ass to her today.  And she just trusted him.  Even after everything.

He could be better.  He could get better.    
He could win against his monsters.

 

He wasn’t the little boy whose parents didn’t know how to handle.  He wasn’t the going to let his monsters make him one of them, even though he felt like he was halfway there as it was.  Maybe it was time to look into options.  Look into getting help to fight them.  He wanted to be the man he thought he could be when he had good moments.  He knew that he would never be like his mother or father, but he could be better than what he was now and he wanted that.  He wanted it enough that he was willingly to look at options that he would have dismissed before.

 

Medication and therapists were options that had been offered to him multiple times, but he didn’t want them.  Didn’t want to be so weak that he couldn’t handle his monsters on his own.  Didn’t want to be another statistic, another person who wasn’t strong enough to handle the world.  But, maybe it was okay to need some help.  Maybe it made him strong to admit that he needed help.  He could do this.

He could get better.

 

-0-

 

What was she even doing?  He had left her.  Had sent a car to take her away.  And now she was standing on a desert portion of beach, in the dark of the night, with the wind biting through her clothes, the smell of salt and sound of breaking waves. 

His demons had won a battle and it caused hers to rise up and play with her brain.  Of course he wouldn’t want her.  He wouldn’t stay.  No one ever stayed.  She was constantly left behind.

If he had texted her to let her know where he was going, that he was coming back, that he was sorry, she wouldn’t be ready to come out of her skin.  But he hadn’t.  He had left her.  

Everyone always left her.

 

She couldn’t take it anymore.

Her blunt nails digging into her palms, she let go, and let out an anguished scream into the night air.  Ben’s tense form stood next to her.  She couldn’t look at him, even as her scream came to an end and she tried to catch her breath and hold back the tears.  The moment she caught her breath she let out another scream.

 

“WHY DOES EVERYONE LEAVE?”  Everything she was feeling, poured into the words. 

 

Ben might have needed to get away from the party, but she needed to get that off her chest, needed to release it all.  She had feelings for him, she wanted him, and that was dangerous, he had the power to hurt her.  She had given him that power.  Thought that he was different.

 

Rey let out another scream as a large hand engulfed her own.  She could feel the sting of tears that she was fighting back but they fell the moment Ben reached out to her.  He touched her first.  He was always so sparring with physical contact, that the fact that his hand held her balled up fist, his thumb applying soothing pressure to the inside of her wrist.  She should hate that he left her.  She should hate that she was out on New Year’s Eve instead of at home painting.  She should hate that this man who grabbed her attention and held all of her focus might be ruled too heavily by his demons for them to every have something normal.  She should hate herself for letting someone in.

 

Ben’s bellow of a scream ripped through her thoughts.  It was devastatingly heartbreaking and powerful – just like the man it had come from.   Rey couldn’t bring herself to look at him.  Not now.

He took a breath and let out another deep bellow.  She could feel his body shaking with the force of it.  He was always so in control, even when he was out of it, that to feel him break next to her was an intimacy that she never expected.

 

Then in a soft voice that was nearly swept away with the icy wind, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have left you.”  His breathing was coming out in heavy pants and she had to close her eyes as she tried to regain her composure.

 

“I want to get better.  I will get better.”  The conviction in those words, in the way he applied a frim unyielding pressure on her hand, she knew he meant it.  She knew he would never be the life of the party and that he would prefer to spend his nights in, that his demons would always be there, but the fact that he wanted to get better – she could be there for him.  If he wanted her. 

 

She turned to face him, tilting her head back to meet his eyes, all of the emotions he was feeling were so easily read on his face.  He hated himself, he wanted more, he was sorry, he was resilient, he was scared.  She could easily love him, if he let her.  Was she willing to put her heart on the line like that?  To give her heart to someone who had so many demons of his own to fight?

His free hand came up, his thumb swiping her own tears away, and he whispered again that he was sorry.  IT was a broken sorry from a man who was fighting, who fought his own darkness every day.

 

Taking the step that separated them, he released her hand - confusion knitting at his brow, tears clinging to his lashes, his lips pressed tight as he watched her like a hawk.  Rey wrapped her arms around him, burying her face into the warm expanse of his chest, her body pressed fully against his, and she let out an unlady-like sob.

 

“I was so worried about you.  I can’t be there for you if you leave me behind.  I can’t be left behind.”  He was stiff in her embrace, like he didn’t know how to react.  But his arms slowly (awkwardly) came up, and then he was pressing her more firmly to him.  One of his arms was wrapped around her waist, his other hand was at the nape of her neck, his head dipped so that his face was pressed into the top of her head.

 

“I thought you wouldn’t want to stay after you saw me like that.”  Ben spoke the words into her hair as a shudder racked through his body and he tightened his hold on her.  Like he couldn’t believe she was there with him. 

 

“And now?”  Rey asked into his chest.

 

He just held her.  Like he couldn’t get enough of her in his arms.  He was so warm compared to the biting cold that surrounded them.  Their heart beats fell into the same rhythm, and – not for the first time – Rey felt like she found someone that was hers. 

 

She knew he had a hard time finding the right words, that he overthought when it came to voicing things out loud.  She knew that he lashed out when his anxiety became too much, and knew that the depression ate at him afterwards.  But, she knew he was worth so much more than he thought he was.  She wanted to be at his side in his battles, and to have him at her side when she had to fight hers. 

Just because they might be a little bit broken didn’t mean that they weren’t whole.

 

-0-

 

“What are you doing?”  Ben asked as she fiddled with her phone to find the playlist that she wanted.  He was standing close to her, so close that it messed with her head.

 

They had spent an hour in the Falcon, talking about nothing, both of them coming down from the edge that they had been on.  Rey had turned on the car to use the sound system and had turned the lights on to cut through the dark, she bent down and into the car where her phone was connected and turned up the volume so that the slow song was amplified and mingled with the sounds of the ocean.

 

“We are going to have a party for your birthday.”  She said as she brought herself back up to her full height, throwing him a smile as she stepped away from the car.

 

“My birthday is tomorrow.” He said.

 

“Which is in a couple of minutes at this point.”  She held her hand out to him, “Dance with me?”

 

He didn’t even hesitate when taking her hand, even pulled her in closer than she would have expected; but she could see his uncertainty of his action by the way his jaw clenched slightly and the way he momentarily pulled in his lips.  He was breath taking.   

Ben let her take the lead, and he picked up the easy steps to where after a few bars he became comfortable enough to take over.  Their feet pushed around the sand, the car’s headlights their very own spotlight and a smile was pulling at his lips.

She wanted him to smile, to be the cause of a full true smile from this man.

 

The music picked up with a new song as the first of the fireworks lit up the sky.  Midnight was coming up fast.  She twirled away only to come back to him, crashing up against his chest.  Bouncing on her feet, she swayed her hips, letting the beat pulse taking his hands Rey moved his arms back and forth.  Loosening him up as the bangs and crackles and lights lit up the sky.  In that moment, for a moment, she watched as he let go.  He wasn’t the best dancer, but he was the most adorable person she had ever seen.  She was going to be the first one to wish him happy birthday, she was starting the new year with him.

Maker, she wanted to be with him.  It was as simple and as complicated as that. 

If they had any hope, they needed to communicate.  She needed to tell him.  She could be there for him if he would let her in.

 

The fireworks reached a crescendo, the rapid expulsions kicking Rey’s heart into high gear.  She needed action, needed to make a move. 

Pushing the up to the balls of her feet, she places her hands lightly on his shoulders to steady herself, and placed a feather-light kiss to his cheek.  It was far too close to the corner of his mouth to be perceived as a fully platonic action and she linger for several heartbeats longer than necessary.  His large hands came to rest at her waist, holding her in place, she felt his hold his breath as she pulled away – turning her head so that their lips barely skimmed across another for a second as she tilted her head back and smiled brightly (albeit a bit shyly) at him.

 

“Happy birthday Ben.” 

 

His eyes were dangerous, holding her own gaze. He was too much.  It was unnerving to have all of this man’s attention, she felt like she was a universe instead of just a girl from west London.  She felt like she mattered when she was around him, like she could be more than just another face in the crowd.

Her lips parted as she tried to find something to say because she felt like she was about to come undone by his stare along.

 

“Rey.”  Her name sounded like a prayer coming from him.  He bent his head, she could feel his breath flutter across her lips, his eyes still locked on hers.  He was asking permission.  Of course Ben would ask permission to kiss her.  She gave the barest nod of her head, and he let out a shaky breath before his lips tentatively met hers. 

The pressure was soft and contracted the heat that was coursing through her system and the fierce grip that he had on her.  Their parted lips met with slow caresses - it was innocent and sweet.

She ran her teeth gently over his bottom lip, running the tip of her tongue along it, and felt his muscles coil tight as he pulled her in closer.   

She wanted more.  She wanted all of his darkness and all of the light.  
She wanted him. 

 

A stray firework went off and Ben pulled back, his forehead resting rest against hers. His eyes where closed as he tried to steady his breathing, Rey pushed up to place a soft kiss on the inside corner of his mouth.

 

 

A smile pulled at his full lips.  It was bright and unabashed and looked somewhat out of practice - and it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. 

She had just kissed Ben.

Ben had just kissed her.

Holy shite.

 

-0-

 

_Ben:_

_Rey and I are going out.  Don’t know when we’ll be back.  Sorry about not showing up._

_9:49 PM, Sunday 12/31/2017_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So flipping sorry that it's taken me a while to update this story!   
> I was preoccupied with what was happening in Florida and then I did a couple of attempts at this chapter, but wasn't all that happy with it and then this idea of a beach and yelling into the night and seeing more of Rey's demons.  
> I also love the intimacy of them being alone on a beach and then of course getting a fireworks kiss - because we all had to know that was coming.
> 
> As always I try to keep them rooted in reality and deal with mental health issues. I know that it took me a while to accept that I needed outside help and so I wanted to show Ben realizing that he might need help and that there is nothing wrong with needing help. 
> 
> Anywho, hope y'all enjoy it and thank you so fucking much for all the love and support this story has gotten!
> 
> Come be my friend: [SuchaPrettyPoison](http://www.suchaprettypoison.tumblr.com/)  
> 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Kylo Fucking Ren.”
> 
> Now where had she heard Finn snarl that name before?  
> And why was he glaring at Ben as he said it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been far too long - and that's all on me.

 

How had he ended up here?

This night had not gone the way he had been expecting.  He had been prepared for Rey to walk out of his life, and he would have deserved that from her – but she had stayed.  She had taken him away.  Had kissed him.  Had given him the sweetest gift and then looked up at him with her bright hazel eyes after her heated lips were on him, and he had been lost to her. 

He had taken a chance, bringing his lips to hers – it had been the sweetest torture not to let his dark desire for her to take over.  He didn’t even think about if his actions felt awkward, all he could focus was on Rey and the feel of her body against his, of the taste of her, of how she constantly kept surprising him.

 

She had driven them the considerable distance back to her apartment, seeming to know that he wouldn’t want to go back to his parents, with music blaring from the sound system causing the old car to vibrate with the sound.  He had let himself relax and enjoy watching as she maneuvered the Falcon with ease while never missing a lyric as she sang along with the music.  Then she had smiled at him when he had joined in with her singing – his voice was too deep and off key, but you wouldn’t have known by the way Rey lit up at the sound.  It was worth pushing himself in a safe environment to get Rey to smile, and her brightness banished his shadows in that moment. 

 

She had pulled the Falcon into the parking at her apartment complex and taken his hand as they made their way up to her apartment like it was the most natural thing in the world.  Her slim delicate hand was rough and calloused, it was perfectly Rey; Ben repositioned his hand, threading their fingers together when they were in the elevator going up to her floor.  It had taken everything in him not to pull her close to him and kiss her when she turned her bright hazel eyes on him her lips parted in surprise for a heartbeat before turning into a small smile.

 

He now knew what those lips felt like, the feel of her teeth grazing his bottom lip, the heat of her tongue, and he wanted more.  He wanted all that Rey was willing to give him, but he wanted to make sure that he had her at the end of it all.  This wisp of a woman had completely turned his world on its axis.

 

She hadn’t let go of his hand as she fumbled with unlocking her front door – she had actually leaned into him – nor did she let go of his hand as they entered.  No, she held his hand until she had firmly closed the door behind them, leaving them standing close in her tiny entrance way.  She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, smiling up at him with light in her eyes even though she’d seen him as a monster.  
He couldn’t help himself, he closed the distance placing a light kiss on to her forehead, enjoying the coolness of the night that lingered on her skin and the way she pressed herself into his touch.  Ben pulled back, his anxiety building a fraction.  But then it was like Rey could feel his tension and pulled him into the kitchen turning on a speaker to sync her phone to while they passed.  Music filled the small space.

Ben was realizing that she needed noise constantly.  She seemed more at peace with the noise surrounding her; that silence made her anxious. 

 

Rey danced around the kitchen as she went about making them food, as Ben tried to stand awkwardly out of her way, only to have her grab his hand and dance with his still form.  He didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to properly let go, but he loved watching her be free in a moment -- to be there and be on the receiving end of her bright smile.  And she didn’t push him to be more than he was, she was simply happy to have him in her kitchen, to take his hand as she sung him the lyrics to a song he didn’t know.  It was a unassuming moment which is what made it poignant in its simplicity.  He felt comfortable and safe with this girl.  She had him feeling protected and like who he was was good enough.

 

They had eaten on mismatch plates while sitting her tiny worn couch, the TV on in the background – the dull noise an ever present sound - as Rey talked animatedly in contrast to his more reserved demeanor.  Ben watched as she opened her mouth and took a bite, watched the way her teeth bit down, watched how her lips pressed together before her tongue peaked out to catch any remnants before disappearing from view.  Their knees brushed and knocked together several times, a heat flooded his system at each innocent touch.

He wanted to feel her again.  To taste her.  She had made him hungry in a way he had never been before.  She had seen him, naked and raw, more vulnerable than he was comfortable being, and she had reached for – he to be hers.  He wanted to devour her.

It was torture. 

 

To be so close to her and to be holding himself back.  But she was telling him about a painting that she had been working on and as much as he wanted to haul her into his lap, he wanted to know more about her, but his arm did find its way along the back of the couch and she moved to fit herself against his side like it was the most natural thing in the world.

 

His fingers played with free strands of her hair, fingertips skimming across the smooth skin along the column of her throat, the shell of her ear, any place he could touch and still give her his full attention while she spoke.  The fact that she was sharing her world with him, explaining her love of art and mechanics, and giving himself to her in return.  He spoke in hush tones about why he enjoyed academia, how he had had to live on take-away and microwaveable food during his first year away from home, and how he toyed with the idea of writing a novel.    

 

They talked until sleep claimed her.  Her slim body pressed in close to him that he felt her silent tremors in sleep.  She didn’t make a sound though it was clear whatever she was seeing was causing her distress, he brows knitted together, and dull nails dug into his chest – she was silent in her suffering.  It tore at his heart more than his own pain.   
Rey deserved all the good in the universe. 

 

He held her close, murmuring words he would never have been able to say if her bright hazel eyes were on him.  Ben could fight his own demons and he would help Rey fights hers.

 

-0-

 

“You’ve got to be FUCKING kidding me.” Finn’s snarled snapped Rey from her peaceful slumber.

She was cocooned in warmth, a heavy arm wrapped around her, her head had been happily nuzzled against Ben’s chest – but had come flying up at the sound of Finn’s voice.  Ben’s whole body tighten, she could feel the shift in him, feel the anxiety flooding his system.

 

Why the hell was Finn here?

What time was it?

 

“Kylo Fucking Ren.”

 

Now where had she heard Finn snarl that name before?   
And why was he glaring at Ben as he said it?

 

All Rey wanted to do was pull Ben to her bed, lock the door, and go back to sleep.  But she doubted that Finn was going to let that dream come to fruition.

 

“Finn; morning voice.”  Rey grumble and shifted her body to partially shield Ben, like that would be enough to spare him the death glare that Finn was throwing at them.

 

“What’s going on?  We heard yelli-“ Poe and Rose entered the fray only to come up short at the sight of Ben and Rey on the couch, with Poe’s voice giving out and his mouth going slack for a second.

This was just how she wanted to spend the morning after whatever happened with Ben.

 

What did happen?  They kissed, she made them food, they cuddled on the couch and they fell asleep – but what did it all mean.  She didn’t want push Ben away with coming on too strong, but at the same time she wanted to latch on to him and scream from the top of her lungs that he was hers, that she claimed him, that he was her person.  But that was needy and clingy. 

Still, he had kissed her forehead, had reached out to touch her more and more, and then there had been his eyes.  Those dark intense eyes that made her feel like she was something special.  Rey had to fight to keep herself from crawling into his lap, but she had loved hearing the sound of his voice and seeing him comfortable in his own skin – comfortable around her. It had been the intimacy that she craved and hadn’t been able to open up enough to find.

 

Now they had an audience.  She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and glared (a bit blearily) at Finn. 

 

“It’s almost two in the afternoon, we came because you didn’t respond to any of our calls and texts, and we find you here _with him_.”  Finn all but spat out his last words.  Both Poe and Rose stood off the side, and Rose was trying to have a telepathic conversation with Rey, but it just wasn’t going to happen.

 

“This is Ben. It’s his birthday. Stop looking like you are going to combust.”

 

“What the fuck is going Rey?”

 

What the fuck was going on indeed.

 

-0-

_Rose:_

_Happy NEW YEAR!!!  THE YEAR IS BRIGHT AND NEW AND WE ARE GOING TO BE EVEN MORE AWESOME!!_

_12:01 AM, Monday 1/1/2018_

_Finn:_

_Peanut!  Happy new year!  This will be the year we get our shit together!_

_12:01 AM, Monday 1/1/2018_

_Poe:_

_Happy new year Rey._

_12:06 AM, Monday 1/1/2018_

_Rose:_

_Sunrey!  Are you alive? You always text back on holidays.   I feel like I should be concerned. I haven’t heard from you in a few days.  At what point should I contact the authorities?_

_9:14 AM, Monday 1/1/2018_

_Rose:_

_THIS IS WHEN YOU SHOULD LET ME KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALIVE!!_

_9:14 AM, Monday 1/1/2018_

_Finn:_

_I have tried calling you like 10 times now.  Rose is getting worried._

_10:23 AM, Monday 1/1/2018_

_Rose:_

_PICK UP YOUR PHONE!_

_10:32 AM, Monday 1/1/2018_

_Finn:_

_Rey.  I am officially worried.  This is not like you._

_10:18 AM, Monday 1/1/2018_

_Finn:_

_That’s it. If we don’t hear back from you within the next hour we are coming to find you._

_10:59 AM, Monday 1/1/2018_

-0-

 

She could feel a headache coming on.  Their concern was nice, but it was also a bit smothering. And really what kind of person was put on edge by their friends being concerned about them? 

For as much as she was trying to push back the urge to run far away, she felt the need to stay and fight.  Which was an insane thought - these people loved her.  They were her friends.  But Ben had retreated into himself. 

If she didn’t know that this was a defense mechanism she would have given him a wide berth; he was being as friendly as a rabid possum (and that was putting it mildly).  The muscle in his jaw ticking and the tension was coiled tight, he looked sullen and on the verge of spitting fire at the same time, yet he kept his mouth firmly shut. 

 

Then there was Finn who looked like he was about to burst apart at the seams, Rey couldn’t remember even seeing him so angry.  Still, he was attempting to be civil as they all sat at the second hand dining room table.  There would have been an awkward silence if Rose hadn’t become the hostess with the mostess; she had made tea and Rey could have kissed her.  Poe was being his charming self, his hand resting protectively on Finn which Rey figure was a way to keep him from lunging across the table.

 

They had managed to get through the basics.  Who is Ben?  Where had Rey been?  Why had she gone?  How did they know each other?  It had been awesome to recount give vague answers that her friends had been narrowed their eyes at.  But she did have a question of her own.

Who is Kylo?

 

It was Ben’s professional name.  That was a thing.

He was the one who made students cry.  The one that Finn ranted about – many (many )times.  Finn HATED Kylo.  And hell, how was she supposed to come to terms with this version of Ben.  This version (who if she hadn’t met Ben) she would easily have found herself disliking.  But Rey knew Ben.  It was hard to dislike someone and cast him in the role of a villain, when you knew about their struggles and demons.   
Also, it was hard to dislike him when she saw herself in him.  When she felt like she could tell him anything.  When she felt safe in his arms.  When she wanted to kiss him.  To fight with him and fight for him. 

Her friends wouldn’t understand.

Would they stick with her if she told them that she thought her future might be with him – possibly? 

 

Finn would never forgive her.   
Would they leave?  Would Ben stay?  Was she going to be that girl who chose a man over her friends?  She wasn’t.  She needed them.

But did she want friends who would make her choose?

But they were her family – her chosen family.

 

There had to be a way to have both.

She was resourceful, she could figure it out.

And if she lost them all, she would manage.  She was a survivor.

She needed to cut the tension, she could do this.

 

“Ky-,” Rose cut herself off before putting on a pleasant smile.  “Ben.  Was I wrong in hearing that Rey said it was your birthday?”

 

Or it seemed the Rose would be the one to try and play peace maker.  She was always better with words that Rey was – better for people too for that matter.  Everyone loved Rose, she was sunshine and warmth, much like Finn typically was, but Finn held on to grudges where Rose always seemed to try and go forward.

 

Ben gave a nodded with the muscle in his jaw jumping.   
He pulled his lips in briefly, there was a flicker in his cold gaze, his knuckles were white where he gripped his mug. 

Uncomfortable.  Anxious.  Trying to stay calm, to gain control.

 

He could have left. It would have been easier for him if he had left, but he had stayed – firmly by her side.  Yes, his body was tension riddled, but he had made the choice to stay.

That had to mean something.

Something significant.

 

“I wanted to spend it with Rey.”  Ben said in a harsh tone, like he was defending his actions.  Rey fidgeted in her seat, allowing her outer thigh to rest against his.  The heat spiked through her system and was like a balm on her frayed nerves, his grip on his mug lessened.

 

“What?  No big party planned?”  The sneer came from Finn, Rey cut him a look.  She wasn’t going to let Ben feel attack, but she knew also how Finn saw him - how the world saw him.

 

“Don’t see how that’s any of your business.” 

 

Rey was going to strangle both of these men - murder looked like it was going to be in her immediate future.

 

“Enough.  Both of you are being defensive.  Now, although he’s being an arse, it’s Ben’s birthday.  And it will be a good day, so help me.”

 

-0-

Well.   
No one was dead.  
  
That was the best thing could she could say about the entire day.  Other than that this had to have been the worst birthday that Ben had ever experienced and honestly, she had no idea what that meant for them moving forward.

 

The entire day he had been in full defensive mode.  She knew this, but it didn’t make him any easier to deal with.  Then that had caused her friends to give her an assortment of looks that could be summed up as ‘what the fuck are you doing with this arsehole?’ looks.    
But they didn’t know him like she did.

 

Ben stood awkwardly stoic in her small bedroom, looking completely out of place in the most endearing way, as he took in the art that seemed to fill every inch of the compact space.  His hands clenching and unclenching, he met her gaze and his eyes were vacant, his body poised for flight.

 

“My friends are non-negotiable.”  She felt sick – he was withdrawing into himself, he had been all day –  and she couldn’t help but feel like it was all coming to an end before it began.  If he couldn’t handle spending time with people who she viewed as family, how would they ever work?

Not that they were a thing.

They weren’t; but they were.

 

“I know.”  The deep rasp of his voice was detached, but his eyes bore into hers. 

 

Did he know how intense his gaze was?

Rey couldn’t help but take steps to close the distance between them, all the time holding his gaze.  
He was a wild wounded animal, and she wasn’t about to give him a reason to lash out. 

 

“Why do you go by a different name?”  She didn’t reach out to him.  Just stood in his space.

 

She needed answers.  
He needed to talk to her.  


“A mask to wear.  A way to separate myself from my family – to show I could make it on my own.”  A muscle ticked in his jaw.

 

It was a way to separate himself – but it was more.  Rey understood him because they were cut from the same cloth.

 

“A way to forgive your actions.”  She said softly with no reproach in her tone.  “Cause they weren’t really you.”

 

His gaze sharpened and he looked dangerous.  For all the height Rey had, in that moment he towered over her, dressed in all black with his lips pulled back in a cruel smirk.  “I’m sure that you’ve heard all about me from your friends.”

 

“I’ve heard about Kylo.  They don’t know Ben.”  She snapped back at him.

 

“I’m a monster.” 

 

The way he said it – like he believed it, he thought himself a monster – caused Rey to real back as though she had been slapped.   
That’s how he saw himself.  A monster. 

He must think that everyone else saw him that way, then he met their expectations by lashing out. 

He was always ready for a fight.  Always expected people to assume the worse.

 

“And I’m a nobody.” 

 

Ben gave the barest shake of his head and she doubt that he even realized he did so, and then his hands were on either side of her neck, his thumbs pressing under her jaw to tilt her head so their gazes remained lock.   
Everything he felt was reflected in his eyes, they swirled with emotions; his insecurities, his anger, his desires.

She could read him.

 

“Not to me.”  His voice cracked and in that moment she fell. 

 

She needed to stay on course.  They needed to talk, but she wanted to keep this connection

 

“Tell me about Kylo.”

 

“I can lecture.  I write it. I prepare it.  I practice it till it’s perfect.  But–“  Ben trailed off, still Rey knew where he was going.  Could see him snapping at a student for a question or if the class started late, and then beating himself up for his reaction, which would only add to darken his mood. 

 

“Okay.”  She placed her hands on his waist and with that one word she felt some of the tension leave him.  The distance he had been creating over the day seemed to fade.  They could do this.

 

-0-

_Rey:_

_I cannot believe you are sleeping on the sofa when there is a perfectly good bed in my room that is only being half used._

_12:32 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Ben:_

_I’m not use to trying to get people to like me, and I’m attempting to get your friends to like me._

_12:32 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Rey:_

_And how is not sleeping in a bed going to do that?_

_12:33 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Ben:_

_Shows I respect you._

_12:33 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Rey:_

_You can respect me and still share a bed._

_12:34 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

-0-

_Rose:_

_There is a large man on the sofa._

_1:09 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Rose:_

_Doesn’t he belong to you?_

_1:09 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Rose:_

_Shouldn’t he be in your room?_

_1:09 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Rose:_

_Doing wicked things to you?_

_1:09 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Rey:_

_Trying to show that he respects me._

_1:13 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Rose:_

_He can respect you and go down on you at the same time._

_1:14 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Rey:_

_Preach._

_1:14 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

-0-

 

_Finn:_

_Why is Rose sending Snapchats of Kylo Fucking Ren sleeping on your couch?_

_1:20 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Rey:_

_She’s doing the Maker’s work by showing how attractive BEN is._

_1:20 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Rey:_

_BEN is spending the night and opted to sleep there._

_1:20 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Finn:_

_He chose to sleep on the sofa which isn’t even big enough for you to sleep on?_

_1:23 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Rey:_

_Yep_

_1:24 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Finn:_

_Good_

_1:24 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

-0-

 

_Poe:_

_Well done._

_1:22 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Poe:_

_Though if I were you, I would have that man in my bed._

_1:22 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Rey:_

_I’ll keep that in mind._

_1:23 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

_Poe:_

_Or I would go out to him.  Just saying._

_1:26 AM, Tuesday 1/2/2018_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Hi. It's been an age. That's all on me - but I'm going to blame life.
> 
> I've rewritten this chapter more times than I would care to admit and struggled to find the balance I was looking for, but I think we got there in the end. We needed Ben to meet the friends...it needed to happen.  
> Anywho, hope you've enjoyed this all so far. It's been great to write. I hope I am hitting the beats properly, trying to show how important mental health is.  
> I need to get back into the swing of writing.
> 
> Now, cause I'm sure some of you have been cursing me, I shall give my excuses:  
> My own anxiety flared up, and I tend to get creatively blocked when that happens - it sucks. I took a super extended break from social media and am just starting to crawl on back. Needed to look after my own mental health and all that jazz.  
> My fiance and I got ourselves a house. And like most places in Europe, it is super old by my Floridan standards, and needed renovations - so for a solid 2 months, spare moments were spent tearing up wallpaper and all that jazz.  
> We then went on a vacation to visit my family who I haven't seen in 6 months and that was awesome. Plus wedding things were done (just assume wedding shit is sprinkled in through my entire life at this point).  
> When we got back from the States, it was then time to move into our house, clean the old rental, and ofc unpack and make our new place livable.
> 
> OH! But the best thing that has happened is we got a cat! Now, I'm not saying that she's the cutest thing in the entire universe, but I'm not not saying that either. Her name is Midge, she is a velcro kitty and pretty much permanently attached to me which has made writing hard, when a grey flooff wants to sleep on your chest (she was perched on my shoulder for a good deal while I wrote this chapter and is currently all up on my legs.
> 
> But I promise that I will respond to everyone's comments. Thank you all so much for the support! I've let them pile up and now looking at my inbox makes me spikes my anxiety, but I will respond.
> 
> Come be my friend on tumblr and see pictures of my cat: [SuchaPrettyPoison](http://www.suchaprettypoison.tumblr.com/)  
> Come see all the pictures/stories I post of Midge: [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/samy.moondust/?hl=en)  
> 


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